Broken Boards

It's been a while since I've written, but I'm staying up late to write this because I can't get it out of my mind. My 5-year old son recently broke his first board in Taekwon Do. Prior to that we had him in the class on a trial basis, with the option of putting him in the class permanently if we were happy with it. There is also the option of participating in the leadership program, which supplements the weekly classes with additional training focused on developing character. Our son knew we were contemplating the leadership class, because he loves it and he is good at it. Not only that, he is truly a good boy. However, I am an impatient father who has gotten used to the high standard my son has set for himself, so I forget just how good he is sometimes. Perhaps just to remind us how good of a boy he his, he surprised his mother this morning by cleaning his room, making his bed, and getting ready all by himself. This past weekend, we already told him we thought putting him in the leadership class was the right thing for him, because he already demonstrates good leadership at home on a regular basis. This just confirmed it, and I came home from work to my son wearing a special belt given to kids in the leadership program. My favorite part was the look in his eyes of self-confidence, which is what every parent hopes to see in their kids. I have to admit, I felt very proud of him and excited with him about this. But things took a turn for the worst at bedtime. He came out of his room several times complaining that he couldn't feel the fan and wanted to be tucked in again. Well, we have a rule that if he gets out of bed he has to tuck himself in. My wife and I just settled down for the makeover edition of Biggest Loser when he came out again. By this time, we'd already sent him back in his room and threatened to take his special belt so he couldn't sleep with it. So, I had to go up and take it away. He came out again. My wife went up. He came out again. This time, he physically resisted my efforts to guide him back to bed. Not sure what to do, and frustrated beyond reason, I carried him to his bed with an angry lecture about how he could have avoided all this by staying in bed. Immediately after leaving his room, I felt it: guilt. He was so good all day, until that moment. He was also so excited about his leadership class and new belt and probably wanted to talk about it with me some more. He was feeling so self-confident today, and I felt like I just crushed it by getting angry at him for the one mistake he made all day. Well, I don't think I know what the right way of handling this was, but I'm sure I didn't do it. I did go back up after cooling down to apologize for getting angry and to talk to him about what happened. Mostly, I wanted to reassure him that although he made a mistake, we still felt like he was a leader and earned the chance to be in the program and that we loved him. I also told him that we make mistakes too. Then he asked if the judge (my recent employer) made mistakes too. My son rightfully looks up to the judge as a leader. I said yes - sorry Judge. I think that made him feel a little better. He was sad to learn that he couldn't have the belt back tonight, but understood that he still has to face the consequences of his choice to get up. I think we both felt better. Then came the real test. He came out once more, this time just to complain about the light coming under the door and keeping him awake. I turned out the light, he went to bed, and my wife and I were able to finish the show in peace. What would have been the right response when he will not obey, but insists on staying up and making a loud fuss, ruining our show and potentially waking up the girls? Who knows. At least he knows that we still believe he earned his opportunities in Tae Kwon Do despite mistakes here and there.

Different Than Before

Coming home from work is one of my favorite things. The baby is usually the first to run up to me, yelling, "Daddy!" I pick her up and get a big hug, then she rubs my hairless head and says, "Head." When she finally lets me put her down--which is just as hard on me as it is on her--I signal to the older kids the excitement they should feel when I come home by yelling enthusiastically, and a bit facetiously, "Daddy's Home!" When the kids are in the kitchen, it's my wife who yells it. That way they go running to find me and let her finish dinner. Either way, I get my smiles and hugs from them too. Then begins "show and tell," where the kids simultaneously tell me about their day and show me tricks on the couch or pictures or crafts they created. I love it all, and no matter how my day is, I try to muster up all the energy I can to engage with them fully while they are showing and telling. Then, they run off to something new and the work begins. Most of the time it's preparing for dinner. Tonight, it was babysitting the children of good friends while they went out, in addition to flying solo with my own kids while my wife went to a meeting. For a while, I thought I was pretty amazing. I got the girls bathed, let the kids play without hovering like I usually do to make sure they share and use manners or anything else I can think of. They seemed to be having fun. Then I put on a brief show for the kids while I put the girls to bed. Man was I efficient. But my four-year old son, the most perceptive and insightful little boy I've ever known, said, "Daddy, your different than before." It took me a moment to digest what he was saying--that's how smart he is. Then I got it. I asked, "Am I being a little grumpy?" He said, "Yeah. You're excited when you get home. Now you're different." I didn't have a response. I think I lamely mumbled something about having to take care of six kids all by myself. But I can't get what he said out of my mind. It seems that what he's saying is that during the short time I am home he wants me to stay engaged, to slow down. Didn't he see how much I got done tonight? Clearly not. What he did see was that I was zooming through the house too quickly to really play with them or even to have our full bedtime routine. Now that they are in bed, I see it too. Going to bed on a night like this feels a little unsatisfying, like running around the office all day without billing any time--there's no value added.

Table Talk

Try this at home: Tonight at dinner I decided to interview my children to see how much they knew about my career.

Me: Do you guys know what Daddy does for work?

Kids: No.

Me: Do you know where Daddy works?

Kids: No.

Me: Do you remember coming to my office?

Kids: Yes.

Me: Let me ask you about my office. What color is my chair?

Kids: Brown.

Me: What pictures do I have up on my wall?

Kids: Pictures of the family and a drawing of a rattlesnake.

Should I be surprised that the things they remember most about my career are the office chair I spun them in, the family pictures they took for Father's Day, and the drawing of a rattlesnake my son drew for me?

The Data Plan and The Family Plan

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who continually pulls out his or her phone to check emails while you are still talking to them? Believe me, the experience still leaves a sour taste in my mouth. So when I got the job offer at a law firm--a really good law firm, meaning relationship-centered--I thought I could go without a phone with a data plan. I continued under this delusion until two weeks into my job when I realized that in the days leading up to a deal I'm basically on call. Just prior to realizing that I need to succumb to this, the sour taste got a little more sour. I decided to sign-in to my work email from home and check-in throughout the night regarding a deal. There were emails going back and forth until about 9:30 pm. But they were emails that could have waited until the next day. I thought, "if a smart phone requires me to stay up and constantly check and answer these kinds of emails all night, I'm definitely not getting one." I realized that this wasn't entirely realistic. Senior lawyers want things off their plates quickly, so they send them off as they think of them. Not only that, why wouldn't a lawyer answer an email, even one that could wait, during a break in the action at home in the evenings if it meant he could make money doing so (assuming of course that it was related to a client file)? Although I stand by my position that people are too attached to their smart phones--more so than to real people standing in front of them, in some cases--I think I had a chip on my shoulder. This is a good career at a good firm with great people. Starting out at a firm is like a medical residency: it is intense and an important way to ear your spurs as a professional. It is also like starting a business. The other attorneys are my clients for now, until I get clients of my own. You can't beat the training. Also like a residency, sometimes I will be on call. So, what does this have to do with the family plan? Simply put, the family plan, as one partner described it, is that family comes first. Work comes second. Just make it a close second. The way I apply this statement is that an ounce of prevention prevents a pound of trouble. There is no need to work Saturdays or Sundays, as long as I put in extra time during the week. I start a few hours early every day, and planned with my wife to call-in no more than two late nights a week, if necessary, during a normal work week. As to the smart phone: don't let it be smarter than you. I will likely review and answer emails in the evenings or on the weekends, but there is no need to interrupt family dinner or other plans, or a conversation for that matter, to do so. There may be exceptions in certain situations, and we accept that. Our family has definitely had to adjust from life working in the federal government. I sleep less and work more. I miss about two family dinners a week. But, I'm not as much of a stickler about bed time and try to take my time reading to or talking with the kids before they go to bed. I wrestle or swim with them even when I don't have the energy. I help at home without complaining, unless it is after 9:30 pm. And I issue fewer commands. As time together becomes a little more scarce and a lot more valuable, I want my time at home to be as positive as possible. For example, my kids and I frequently discuss the intricacies of their Halloween costumes--a pirate for my son, and a princess for my older daughter (the youngest will be wearing the duck outfit her sister wore last year, but doesn't speak enough or care enough to share her opinion about it). We're still figuring our new life out, but we believe their is a way to achieve that balance. What is interesting is that we all seem happier now. My wife enjoys feeling more independence at home with kids and plans, since I can't be as involved anymore. And I think I am much more patient. The kids seem to be happier too. We are much more conscious of our time with them, and I think they appreciate it. I am also a Scout leader, which takes away another night each week. Maybe it is that our kids appreciate their time with me more than they used to, but they are excited about Scouts and other things that I am doing. They take much more interest in it. Lest anyone think that things are perfect, we just barely threw away our empty boxes after two weeks here. Although the other rooms are mostly set-up, our room is still filled with boxes. Our older daughter has decided she does not want to have to worry about when and where she goes potty, so she is back in pull-ups. She is also phasing out of naps, which raises emotions to whole new level. We are still figuring out what to do about our son's preschool, since people here charge and pay Harvard tuition to prepare their 4-year old kids for Kindergarten. We find at least one cockroach a day in our home. Last night it was on my bath towel, then on me, as I was drying off after a shower. And, we're still unsure about our landlord. Ultimately, the conclusions I've reached over the past few days are the result of a lot of introspection over several difficult weeks of transition. Well, we're only two weeks into actual work (four weeks into life here). They have been tiring weeks, but we are happy and still putting each other first--though work really is a close second right now.

Billing Your Time at Home

I never thought I'd see it, at least not in a four-year old. Unpacking, a new home, a new life, etc., all mean one thing: more rules. There are more things you can't touch. There are more things you must do or not do to make a good impression on our new friends and neighbors or to give your exhausted parents a break. You are forced to go to a new school, a new congregation, a new bedroom (or to share it with your two emotional sisters while your parents paint yours). In short, you are not allowed to be a four-year old until we're ready. You must keep that energy bottled up. But when he got excited, he threw a piece of food. I took the rest and excused him from the table. Then, the look. Brow furrowed, chin down, eyes up and narrowly focused in on me. It didn't scare me, but it shocked me. I immediately began to miss the little boy he was prior to our move. I wondered if he'd ever come back or if the rebellious stage so famously attributed to teenage years really started this young and continued until the kids left home. All day long I thought about it. I really couldn't think about anything else. What had gone so wrong that our little boy could cast such a glance at me? My wife and I talked and decided we'd resent us too if someone had imposed so many rules on us, so many that it was just impossible to be ourselves. It was a good reminder to chill out and make the most of my precious time at home. My wife warned me recently, "Don't bill your time at home." I know that she meant I needed to drop my natural habit to stick to a schedule and a routine and enforce them strictly. But billing time has actually helped me recognize the value of my time. I can't waste a minute at work, yet there have been so many evenings where I chose to relax instead of wrestle, or sulk instead of swim. My greater awareness has prompted me to try and make more time by being less strict about bedtime. In other words, we use the same bed time, but we adjust to the needs of the kids. If they are still restless, we wrestle a little or play a little and maybe skip bath. If they seem like their crying for attention and acting a bit rambunctious or rebellious, we read more, talk more, sing more, and take our time. We let our daughter get out of bed to go potty three or four times, until she's to tired to pretend anymore. I think the necessity of billing so much time at work has actually made us better and improving our time together. It's shorter, but more meaningful. It's tougher, but we are more understanding and less critical. It's later and we're tired, but we have a stronger desire to be together. It's less time to talk, but we make greater efforts to build our relationships (nothing beats relaxing in a back float with your son or playing Motor Boat with the girls in the pool after dinner). It seems that just as sacrifice makes us closer (see previous post), so does the effort to make the most of our precious time. In reality, I do bill time at home, but not in the way my wife thought. If every six minutes is precious at work, they become even more so at home. I need to find a way to use every single one to serve my most important clients, my wife and kids. My bill? Well, it's a closer family. If I do my work right, the clients pay immediately.

Adjusting the Dream

To be honest, I came into this expecting a simple conflict of time: How do I balance demands at work with responsibilities at home? But it took me under 4 days at a law firm to realize it's more complicated than that. During orientation my head was spinning. Not only was there a ton of paperwork to fill out for taxes, parking, insurance, retirement, etc., but there was a parade of pro-work presentations. The message was simple: life at the firm is challenging, fulfilling, and fun, if you put in the time and effort. This included not only billable hours, but firm involvement, business development, community involvement, and pro bono work. Not only that, being new, we know nothing. If I don't spend much of my own time getting myself up to speed on the law I'm practicing, I'm no good. Ultimately, we rely on other attorneys to give us work, and they stop giving work to those who say "no." So, though I met get over subscribed, I need to get over it. I need to be willing to put in the time. During one of the final presentations, my head was spinning, so I finally asked, "How do we do all this and still have time for our families?" The partner, a member of the executive committee and someone for whom I have great respect, responded, "Your family always comes first. Work comes second. But make it a close second. I have two daughters. I never missed an important event in their lives. I wouldn't." I still didn't quite see how it was possible, but I knew he'd been through it too. So, dreams of family dinner every night, time to play every night, Saturdays and Sundays off, buying a home, etc., well, they need to be adjusted. What's really driven the point home was the fact that if I don't grow in this business, my student loan payments, 401(k), preschool tuition (which is ridiculous), etc., will eat away my discretionary income. I need to move up. I need to do what the partners want. But I'm finding there is a way. I won't make it to all family dinners, but I can make it to some or most. I can go in early, a great time to focus and buckle down, and leave around dinner time, then go back if necessary. My wife and I discussed my designating two late nights a week, to be used when the partners needed. We realize Saturdays may get used up. But these sacrifices will preserve our Sundays. We can move the dinner time, playtime, and bedtime schedules back slightly to give me a longer day. We can rent an apartment that is closer to work. It may be smaller, but it has a pool, which the kids love, and the commute is great. Throughout this orientation week, I actually do feel better oriented. Though some dreams may be adjusted, there is one that remains constant and fulfilled daily. We are becoming closer as we make sacrifices for each other. I wake up much earlier in order to work longer without missing the evenings with my family. My family waits a little longer for me to get home. We live closer to work, but in a smaller home. We find a cheaper preschool. Somehow, we love each other more, our commitment to each other grows, our kids learn valuable lessons. Who would have thought that those who have to sacrifice for each other are closer and happier?

Creative Punishment

My two-year old daughter is one of the most stubborn children I have ever met, ever. I tried to put her down for a nap on our bed this afternoon (we do that so she and her sister nap in separate rooms), but she wouldn't have it. So I put her in the room with her sleeping sister because it is darker and the door is harder to open. Then I heard her trying to wake her sister up. I told her not to wake her sister up and she replied, "But I want to wake her up." No matter what I said, she kept repeating her reply. I just gave up and put her back on our bed. Miraculously she fell asleep. On top of all this, there is a baby jumping thing that she keeps getting in. We keep telling her to stay out of it because she is too big and could break it. Oh, and one more thing. She refuses to sit and eat dinner, so we have to excuse her and make her go hungry to bed. But it's no use. She does what she wants, when she wants, especially if it gets us worked up. She takes delight in that. So, I told my wife that I had an idea. What if we put her in a corner if she disobeys and threatened her that she would get a marshmallow each time she got up from her punishment. My wife looked puzzled. My theory was simple. She would likely get up so many times that the marshmallows would make her sick. Then the punishment would serve the dual purpose of getting her to obey and to dislike sugary treats. Or, disobedience might merit sitting the kids on the couch all day with unhealthy snacks and television. If they get up they have to eat more snacks and watch more television. The problem with this second idea is that you'd have to punish them for three or four hours at a minimum, depending on how much television and snacks they normally consume each day (I've heard the total average in American homes for television viewing by children is 6 hours per day! These people will obviously have to make this punishment a weekend event). Luckily (from my wife's perspective) we did not have to put any of these brilliantly visionary punishments into effect. As I said, our daughter fell asleep for nap. Then after dinner, we heard her voice in the other room yelling, "Help! I'm stuck! Please get me out!" She was stuck in the baby bouncing contraption. With the same sick delight with which she punishes us, we smiled and replied, "Not right now, we're eating dinner!" I'm not sure it taught her anything, but it felt so good to say.

The Domestic Dad

My last day of the clerkship in DC was August 11. My first day of work at the law firm is September 12. After two weeks on the road and another living with relatives and looking for an apartment, I can safely say that I am going stir crazy. I have never had such a long vacation and I don't think I like it. Don't get me wrong. I love the time with kids. I love seeing everything that I would otherwise miss at work, especially our girls greeting my son with hugs when he gets home from school. I get a little jealous of him actually. The kids used to do that for me when I came home from work. But I can't complain. They still give me lots of hugs. I've already written of my judge's theory that you need to build a fire to keep you warm when you can. I think that is what I am doing. I take advantage of every opportunity I can to be with and play with the kids. I am fortunate though. Many fathers are out of work right now, even in the law profession. But I am a little jealous of them too. I read that many of them are working hard at home landscaping, making repairs, upgrading, and performing the work that they might otherwise pay someone else to do while they were at work. But there are three big differences between me and them. First, this is not my house. Second, it is over 100 degrees outside and a record-breaking hot summer. Third, I have zero handyman skills. I have helped my father-in-law build a fence--one of my proudest moments was redesigning the gate with the pieces he'd mistakenly cut the wrong size. One the other hand, when my parents built an apartment in the basement for me and my wife when we were newly weds, he and my brother did all the work. Anyhow, I have attempted to keep myself feeling accomplished by honing my skills as a dishwasher, toy picker upper, and a child bather. I still stink at shopping and hold not even an ounce of confidence with my wife in that regard--I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing since she never asks me to go shopping. Instead of the corporate dad, I have been strictly a domestic dad. But, there are many lessons to be learned there as well, such as never discount the work and feelings of the stay-at-home parent. Not only do I understand my wife better, but I am a stay-at-home parent right now.

The Price of Cool

My kids are cool. My two-year old daughter is a fashion designer. Who would have thought to use band-aids to turn a plain shirt into a striped shirt and use head bands to make a colorful neck-warmer? My four-year old son used his preschool hard-work bucks to get a pirate eye patch from the prize box, which he then wore to all of the apartment complexes we visited in the afternoon. He also rolled on the carpet of each apartment we viewed to test out its wrestle-ability. And of course, our baby girl is cool too. Whenever I lay on the floor she's sure to body slam me within minutes of doing so. They also wrestle with each other, and the girls run to hug their older brother when he gets home from school. That is cool. I'd like to take some credit for how cool they are. But being cool has its price. Being cool to little kids means fatigue. If I lift them or swing them in some fun way, it means I must do it over and over and over again in an attempt to quell the continuous, "Do it again Daddy! Again! Again!" For me, the quell is multiplied by three kids and includes a great deal of cutting in line and arguing over who's next. Unfortunately, I cannot quell the demand. It becomes infinitely more exciting each time it is repeated and trying to stop for dinner or bed results in the same kind of screaming you might hear during a medieval amputation procedure. I am hot and sweaty. If being cool doesn't result in fatigue, it results in a mess. We are staying with family while searching for an apartment, and in an attempt to encourage the kids from both families to eat their dinner, I told them that their brains grow bigger with each bite. So they began with little bites, asking me after each bite to look into their ears and see if their brains got bigger. It was fun at first, so I attempted to get them to take bigger bites by telling them that the brain grows only a little bit with little bites but a lot with big bites. Soon, spoonfuls of spaghetti were plopping onto the ground as little hands held their spoons high in the air in failed attempts to show me the big bites of dinner they were about to eat. I promptly apologized to my cousin for the mess and explained my good intentions. Alas, hot on the heels of the mess were little voices chanting, "Again! Again! Again!"

The Big Not So Big Event

I remember when my three-year old son ran triumphantly off the soccer pitch after blocking his first goal. What made it even cooler was that there are no goalies in three-year old soccer, but he insisted on playing the position after watching the World Cup with me. It was hot outside, but he also insisted on wearing a long-sleeve shirt. I have been fortunate to be present for almost every big even in my children's lives, from the first word spoken to the first word read. Now that we are getting settled into a permanent job and a permanent location, and now that our kids are getting bigger, we look forward to many more big events. More soccer. More karate. More ballet or gymnastics. When I was interviewing two years ago with my law firm I was impressed that the partners never missed their children's games, recitals, performances, etc. (Sometimes it gets competitive, like when my son comes home from school with a reading book based on his reading evaluation and I immediately ask how the other kids did. But that's another post.) But today I was reminded of another big event that we often miss simply because we might forget it is a big event. My son arrived home from preschool excited as ever to show me a pirate eye patch he'd earned from the prize box for good work, but I was on the phone. My wife tipped me off to how excited he was to show me with a disappointed scowl and silent head nod in his direction. Taking the queue, I ended the phone conversation and asked my son about his day. Later, he sat silently drawing a pirate treasure map and looking a bit frustrated. I asked what was wrong and he let me know that he wanted to show someone how to draw a pirate treasure map. I volunteered. He took great care teaching me exactly how I could draw the lines wherever I wanted and that the "X" goes where the treasure is buried, so that I know where it is and can dig it back up. I was impressed by how well he explained it to me and how well he communicates with others in general. I am not alone in my willingness to be present at the big events described above. They are clear representations of progress and accomplishment, often marked by honors or trophies or entries in a baby book. I don't know that I am always as willing to sit down for other less tangible big events like a simple conversation, where my son accomplished something extremely important for an adult, let alone a four-year old: he taught me something.

What Are They Putting in Soap These Days?

Everybody knows that when a child says an inappropriate word that means his or her tongue is dirty and needs to be washed with soap. But, since the words have never been very serious or frequent we decided to wait to do that until our son reached the age of four. Surely, having soap rubbed on his tongue would be a strong enough reminder that he should never use those words. So these past few days I've dealt with my son's use of inappropriate words (very infrequent use, I might add) by rubbing bar soap on his tongue. He willingly submitted to the punishment--I mean "solution" to the problem of a dirty tongue--probably thinking that anything was preferable to a boring, long, and repetitive daddy lecture. I rubbed the soap on his tongue. He tasted it. He looked up at me again, un-phased, and said, "It doesn't taste like anything." Then he tasted it again. Wait a minute! When my parents tried it on me the soap was disgusting. That was only a few years ago, or maybe 20. I wouldn't be surprised if soap companies were trying to make their soaps even more attractive by making them tasteless. Thinking that maybe I didn't rub enough soap on his tongue, I did it again until the soap bubbled up and coated his tongue. He tasted it again. Nothing. I was stumped. Was he serious or just beating me at my own game? Maybe both. Now I'm half tempted to taste soap before I use it on him. Maybe that was his plan all along.

Don't Be So Hard

Watching my son run around with his cousins and fighting the natural temptation of a 4-year old to ignore his parents in order to keep doing what the other kids were doing was a learning experience for me. He did ignore us a little, but was mostly well-behaved and obedient. I was a little disappointed in him at first for having such a hard time obeying us, but ended up being more disappointed in myself for not appreciating how obedient he really was in the face of so many fun distractions. In fact, I was pretty hard on him when he disobeyed. I wanted to instill the lesson that you need to listen to your parents no matter what everyone else is doing. But my wonderful wife reminded me that I need to be careful not to teach him that I don't trust him. In certain situations I need to back-off a little more and understand that I should be very careful about when to put my son in the difficult position of choosing between every 4-year old's dream and his parents when it really isn't that important. On the bright side, I have been more sensitive to my son's feelings about getting in trouble in front of other people. He has been incredibly responsive when we quietly go into another room to talk over anything he may have done wrong. I'm learning that a lot of parenting, even with little kids, is respecting their feelings.

She Can't Be Two/Feeling Better

This first experience was too cute to pass up. A cousin hit my son pretty hard. As I was consoling him, our two-year old knelt down beside us, put her arm on my shoulder, and with a concerned look asked, "What happened to him?" Then she listened intently while I explained the situation. Though our daughter definitely exhibits two-year old moments, there are moments like these when I am reminded that she has gifts and traits that are much older than she is and must have developed in her before she came to us.

The second experience is something I noticed throughout our road trip visiting friends and family. No matter how good the parents are, they experience the same parental challenges and react the same way. This may not be a very deep thought, but it reassured me that I am normal. If you want to feel like you're a good father, go stay with friends and family who have children too.

The Move: Days 11 & 12

We're finally here, after two weeks of homelessness. We are happy to be here, even if it is a temporary space in my cousin's house until we find one of our own. This move has taught me a lot. One is that anyone with little sleep, long hours driving cross country, and more whining from my kids than I care to mention is prone to get a little frustrated with his kids. At least saying so makes me feel a little better. So does watching every move my friends and family make as they care for their kids in the hopes that they will lose their tempers with their kids too. Short-tempered fathers like to feel normal. Anyway, I was pretty pushy with my son, the king of delay, at bath time. So pushy that he said, "I want Mommy to bath me tomorrow." I tried to be more kind and patient today, however, and he had no problems with my bathing him. I also slapped my daughter's hand just after she'd hit my son for the hundreth time in a fit of rage then hit me as the rage went on. I couldn't tell her not to hit--I'd be a hypocrite. So, I told her that that is how we feel when she hits. At bedtime, however, all of that seems to disappear. I love putting them to bed. The two oldest were squeezed together again on a queen mattress, the youngest in a pack-n-play. I told them a story that included some daddy humor, which they love now, though I am reminded they will not find funny when they're older. The story also included a grumpy father as my effort to say that I was wrong. I also apologized for being so grumpy and kissed them good night. Alas, their happiness was again shattered when they again had to say good-bye to friends with whom they'd only been able to play for one day. This morning's good-bye was one of the hardest yet, and seemed to be a culmination of the many irregularities, activities, hours of driving, and good-byes our little kids have had to experience over the past twelve days. Our daughter longingly said, "I miss them." And our son and daughter both cried quite a bit. It is true. We will miss everyone we visited. You have helped us so much on our way. We are grateful we could have even one day to visit and introduce our kids to your kids or have them play together. This includes former college roommates, neighbors, family, and other dear friends. As we drove over the Rockies and into the valley, we felt a sense of relief. We could tell our kids did too. They of course bounced off the walls when we got here--this time we cut them some extra slack, especially after how tough I was on them yesterday, but they were also so excited that there is no more driving, nor more changing homes, and especially no more good-byes.

The Move: Days 8, 9, and 10

We're getting our kicks on Route 66 . . . really. On Saturday we connected to the de-comissioned federal highway in our travels to the West. It is interesting to think that the days of old Route 66 were the days of the convertible, of slow-moving cross-country travel, of a very personal discovery of various demographics of people and cultures within the United States. The highways have progressed now-a-days the way the food service industry did . . . to be fast and impersonal. In many ways, my time with my wife and kids along old Route 66 has taken me away from the fast and busy pace of our last residence and my future job and given me the opportunity to have a very personal and meaningful vacation with my wife and kids. We have loved visiting family and friends, but, to be perfectly honest, I have also loved watching our family become better friends by trying to take care of each other during this trip. Long days in the car are not very exciting, but we laugh together, take breaks to visit friends and family, to swim at the hotel (tonight's activity), and to just be there for tender or funny moments I would otherwise miss while at work. I am grateful that we could swim together at the hotel pool tonight, just us. My son almost swam across the pool. Our daughters clung to us for dear life, but they also enjoyed splashing and laughing with us. My wife and I also got to work off some of our dinner. I am amazed that although we have been homeless for almost two weeks, our children have risen to the occasion. I feel happy that they seem to feel that home is wherever your family is, even when it is in a minivan crossing the U.S. I admire them for demonstrating such patience and maturity at such a young age (warning--this is not always the case). I love that we sometimes sleep together in the same room. I love that the two oldest have been sleeping together and becoming better friends. I love that they have me tell them stories at night. Tonight's story was about three fish, following our swim. Last nights was about three little doggies, following our visit with my brother, his wife, and their dogs. The night before, I might have told a superhero story, or something similar. Some other examples of little moments I will always treasure are when my oldest daughter got a treat (a bag of popcorn) and shared it with me while I was driving, and watching my youngest daughter discover herself in the hotel mirror then try to get her reflection to follow her by pointing and grunting at it when it didn't follow. There have also been many moments where the kids hold hands, or sleep peacefully in the car, or make each other laugh. There are many moments where my wife or I sit in the back on the floor of the car to play with them, feed them, or talk to them. Don't worry, there have also been rough moments. Other highlights, especially of today, were that my kids learned some of the lessons from my son's preschool that his teacher is sending us by email. Another is watching how restless they were after we finally arrived at the hotel after our longest day in the car-ten hours. It was as if we had opened the cages of little monkeys that had been penned up all day. They were literally bouncing off the walls at the hotel, the restaurant, and the pool. We had to remind ourselves why they were having such a hard time listening to stay sane ourselves. I think they got all their energy out at the pool. I am grateful for our friends and family who took us to a farmstead, let us play with their dogs, or just let us stay and chat with them for a while on days 8 and 9. But I am surprised at how much I have enjoyed our day alone together on Day 10. I expected it to be our worst, but our children were wonderful in the car and tons of fun at the pool and in the hotel room. I think of that movie, "RV," where there were parents who raised their kids on the road in an RV along Route 66. Sometimes I think that wouldn't be a bad life, once the kids are a little more independent that is.

The Move: Day 7

I find myself taking on more administrative tasks in order to feel like I'm working. Today, I drove around Iowa City to find a snack cup we lost. Then, I picked up some ice for the next stage of our trip tomorrow. I also feel a little out of place during the day when I am basically one of the moms. But I did enjoy making everyone lunch. I felt like a restaurant chef, though the menu consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches and hot dogs. Today was also like a reunion. It was wonderful--friends, family, former professors, etc. The kids' fatigue level is going up, so is the drama level. I'm realizing that my lecturing level should probably go down.

The Move: Day 6

One thing we didn't account for during this move is that while visiting friends, the husbands are usually working. So, for much of the day today, it was me and the moms hanging out. Of course, they were all talking with my wife, so I talked more with the kids. That's okay. That's more my level anyway. In addition, as we are starting to get more tired and unregulated in our sleeping, I am sometimes more impatient with the kids, even when I don't need to be. For example, my daughter keeps scratching her ouchies and making herself bleed. I've been getting very frustrated with that until tonight when I did the same thing.

I think after six days, I can safely recount some of the duties of a corporate dad during a cross-country move by car. Although, as I've said in previous posts, I attempt to enforce the same sense of order I have at the office in my home, I've assumed a much less corporate and much more domestic role. I am gradually relinquishing my demand for order and learning to deal with chaos. However, because I have to attempt to manage the chaos as much as possible, the following responsibilities have been relegated to me on this trip:

-kitchen cleaner at friends'/family's homes
-lunch-maker in the car
-child-entertainer in the car
-bed preparer at others' homes
-car loader/unloader
-babysitter when my wife is with her friends
-story teller when tucking the kids into bed
-ice/gas purchaser, errand runner

Basically, I am the good little soldier in charge of setting up/taking down camp and KP duty. This arrangement has resulted in a variety of benefits. My wife sees that I'm working hard, so she doesn't make me change the diapers. She does not get frustrated with my ineptitude at grocery shopping because she can do it herself without kids in tow. There are no last-minute arrangements delaying arrival/departure/bed times. Most importantly, my wife's administrative load is lightened so that our time with each other, the kids, and family and friends is of much higher quality than it might otherwise be.

The Move: Day 5

We've all felt it, that little pang that you feel during those busy days when you can't do as much as you would like to do or feel that you should do for the kids. For example, the kids were very tired today (the baby cried all day, while the other two whined and pouted for much of the day), and so were we, so although it would have been nice to hop in the back of the car to provide them with more snacks during our drive today, play with them a little more when we arrived at our destination, or read to them before bed, I didn't. Each omission is now a small regret. There is some consolation in the fact that they did get to play with friends we're visiting at this stop, that it was a short drive that didn't necessitate many snacks, that I was in the back feeding them lunch when we started this leg of the trip, and that I sang to them and made up a story when they went to bed. This time they were knights in the story with added titles like, "the great," "the brave," and "the strong." They seemed to like it. Now many who read this post may think, "You're over-reacting. Some days are just like that. It's no big deal." I'm sure those comments are correct, but what makes it tough was that although we had a good day, the traveling and excitement of seeing so many friends and family has begun to take a toll on them from which they need to recover. We have a lot of activities planned, however, and it is unlikely they will get time to do that. Instead of showing much compassion, I was a little impatient with them during the bath/bedtime routine. So, we ended the day on a bad note, and that is the thing about which I feel the most guilt. On the bright side, we are staying here for a few more days before moving on to the next stop, so we should all be able to recover a little.

The Move: Day 4

There are burdens of fatherhood that are light and there are burdens that are heavy. Oddly, it seems that the lighter burdens originate from the children. Today I bathed my son and told him he could go into the living room to get dressed. We are at my parents' house, and he decided to go into the living room in style--dancing in the buff for everyone to see. Then he told everyone that I said he could. So he took liberties with my instructions. It gets a little tougher when they don't listen altogether. However, there is usually a reason for it. My oldest daughter, for example, has gone two days without naps--two activity-packed days with family. She just could not function and fell asleep as I was reading to her. But, as that story illustrates, the fact that they sometimes ignore me is never a personal affront and is often accompanied by tender moments. It gets even tougher when my children reach the age of sophisticated parental manipulation. For example, I attempted to be understanding to my son, who really was having a hard time focusing enough to eat when we first arrived at my parents. When he gets over-excited or distracted or bored he asks us to give him bites of his food. I've recently refused to do so, telling him that he is old enough to feed himself. However, I told him yesterday that I understood that he was too excited to eat and that I would help him. Since then, he keeps saying, "Can you feed me some bites? I'm just too excited to feed myself." But none of these things are very heavy compared to the burdens of fatherhood that come from sources other than my children. One is the constant concern with the world in which my children will grow up. We have to let them gain their own experience, knowing that they will be exposed to influences that are extremely subtle and dangerous. We can teach them and prepare them, but the thought of sending them out into the world even for school scares me. Another is that "hand-off" that takes place between generations of fathers. By that I mean coming to the realization that your own father does not have all the answers, and that I have to shoulder the burden of thrusting my family into new environments and situations while providing for them and protecting them at the same time. It requires being the first to express faith and hope and the last to express criticism and fear. It means stepping into the darkness so many times hoping for sure footing. As I close the first year of this blog and embark on our cross-country move to begin my legal career, the burdens originating from my children seem lighter, and the burdens originating from other sources seem heavier. We rely on each other so much, and this trip is more or less a vacation. I love every second with the kids. I'm learning so much more about them. We're becoming better friends. We know that there are challenges ahead that are so much bigger, so we try to laugh off the little challenges of mood swings and messes. We are excited for the adventures that lay ahead, but none of us really knows what those will be--billable-hour requirements, financial responsibilities such as student loans and a mortgage, schools for our kids, trying to set an example of what it right, etc. Though this post marks the end of my first year as a legal professional, it also marks the beginning of the battle between the corporate and the dad. I hope that as a transactional attorney, I can help the two parties reach a mutually beneficial deal.

*Just for the purposes of personal record keeping, I want to mention that our family went to the splash pad. My son started a water fight with me. I think he finds joy in making me wet and cold when I'm not quite ready to be. Later, the older siblings--all of us older than 20--were crazier than the kids. In fact, we got into a water fight. One of my proudest moments as a father was watching my four-year old son join up with me against my brothers and sisters. He fearlessly drenched them all and got drenched in return. But when everyone else was tired out, we were the last men standing. With a high five and a hug, the two of us rejoined the family.

The Move: Day 3

Today we went to the zoo. My son kept asking me to unbuckle my seat belt and go to the back to get him something. We did that constantly while on full-day traveling. I tried to explain to my son that I only did that when we had to during long trips because it was necessary to keep them happy, but it's really not safe, so I wasn't going to do it on short trips. I knew as I was saying it that it was a terrible explanation, but I couldn't find a way to dig out of that hole and just left him confused. We did have a lot of fun at the zoo, however. It was especially fun because I had great individual moments with each of the kids. We also had a great time swimming afterwards, at dinner, and wrestling before bed. I'm loving all the time I get with them during this road trip/move. I think I'm entitled to, because, as a friend said this morning, this may be the last time I get to do this for a long time.

The Move: Day 2

There was a lot of pent-up energy when we hopped into the car for day 2 of our travels, and it made for some rough moments. This was especially true when I took over in the back with the kids during lunch time, while my wife drove. There was a lot of screaming and wiggling. It seemed for a moment as though the kids were about to burst out of their car seats. Then I decided we should play some new games. If they were going to scream, I told them to scream louder and louder. The hope was that this would either help them get some energy out or lose their voices. Neither happened. So, I blew up a few balloons and we swatted them back and forth. That did get a lot of energy out, but the balloons also bounced into the face of the driver a couple of times, so we discontinued. Then we went back to screaming and yelling. It did the trick until we got to the grandparents' house, even though we hit bad traffic in Chicago. The pay-off, of course, was arriving at our destination and playing with the grandparents, siblings, and cousins. It has been so long since we've been so close to family. I think we'll all have a hard time leaving for more car travel in a couple of days.

The Move: Day 1

Lots of snacks, lots of movies on the portable dvd player, McDonalds for lunch, and Daddy sitting on the floor in front of the kids to help entertain while at the same time having to hit the deck a couple of times to avoid being seen by police. That was life in the car. There were also a couple of fights, a little bit of cying a screaming, and a little bit of complaining. But it was not much, and what there was was expected from three tired kids. Tonight I bathed the kids and put them to bed. For the first time in a long time, I made up a bedtime story featuring my oldest kids as superheroes saving their father. Perhaps the biggest lesson learned is that I am more likely to get frustrated with the kids when I am frustrated with myself. I made a wrong turn, witnessed my youngest daughter fall off of playground equipment, and got into an argument with my wife. There was probably something else in their too. Either way, I caught myself getting frustrated with the kids for something I did. We had such an overall good day that I couldn't let them go to bed on a bad note. So, I apologized to them and was sure to recognize how good they were today. They were really amazing.

Embarking On An Epic Adventure

Normally a move, even a cross-country move, is not that big of a deal. What makes it epic? Three kids. We woke early to load the truck and clean the apartment, with the help of some good friends. Once the truck left, we hopped into the car to my sister-in-law's home, where the kids are staying, for one more night with them before we leave bright and early tomorrow morning. At moments like this some people would say they had many thoughts go through their minds. But me, I've had one thought go through my mind many times: are we going to survive? Then, without knowing she provided the answer to my question, my two-year old little girl organized my sister-in-law's sandals by color and said, "It's my sandal rainbow." Suddenly, a shimmer of hope was visible beneath my cloudy thoughts. Maybe the kids will comprehend and be patient with our plan and moving schedule. We'll find out tomorrow morning. One thing I do know is that since we need to do this together to be successful, I need to resist my natural impatience and really try to show some extra love an compassion during this trip. I'd rather everyone be happy than rigidly obedient to my time-line. For example, it's my kids' last night with their cousins and they wanted to watch an episode of Spider Man while lying in bed. It is already late, and my natural inclination was to say, "No way, Jose. It's time for bed." When I came downstairs, I asked the other dad if he usually lets his son do that. Another person overheard and said, "Uh oh. Someone's losing this battle." I replied, "It's worth losing some battles if it means winning others when we're on the road." Maybe that means I'm buying obedience instead of earning it. Maybe it means I want my son to have a memorable last day with his cousin. Either way, it's about 9 pm and we put on an episode of Spider Man. We'll see if it pays off.

*I also have to mention that my son was anxious about the upcoming trip and couldn't sleep. He finally agreed to go to bed with me. So, we both went to bed in his bed. But, my son also invited a two-foot tall, hard plastic T-Rex toy to share the bed with us. The bed wasn't very big. I was practically falling off the edge, with the T-Rex's hard plastic foot in my back. I was able to get up when he was asleep and hop into bed. But in the middle of the night my son hopped into our bed. There wasn't room for all three of us, so I spend half the night on my side with my face up against the side wall. Talk about losing battles.

Rescued for the Move

There isn't much to say today except that it would have been impossible to finish packing with three kids running around tonight. We are grateful for good friends who stepped in to take the kids overnight. The sad part, however, is that I didn't get to see them at all today. They were sleeping when I went to work and gone before I got back. We are about to embark on an epic move across the country in a mini-van. I hope that they can deal well with all the changes and that we can deal well in the moments that they can't.

Growing into Emotions

I expected to hear it later in life, mainly because I remember saying it when I was a teenager. But my four-year old son has gained some very close friends. Not only that, this is the second time he will have to leave them. The last time was only one year ago. There were no complaints then, but I know he remembers it, and not fondly. As he said, "I don't want to move. I don't want to leave my friends," I remembered what it was like for me and it made me feel sad. For a brief moment I felt like the bad guy. A move is really a family affair, even a four-year old child feels the effects of it.

On a more positive note, I've figured out how to deal with my toddler's rebellion: just hold your ground until she's let it out. There is no doubt our daughter has an iron will. There is also no doubt that her will often conflicts with that of her parents. Yet she won't back down. Consistent with my theory that passions in children are too big for them and that it takes time for them to grow into their emotions, I've taken my daughter's emotional outbursts less seriously, and less personally. They are not a personal affront, but the big-emotion-little-body effect, as I call it. It is like turning a water hose on full blast to fill a miniature water balloon. It pops in two seconds flat. Once the Ms. Hyde subsides, our tender little girl returns to us and we can move on.

I too am growing into my emotions. My attitude is much better when bathing the three kids or putting them to bed when my wife needs to leave in the evening. There haven't been any lost tempers on my part for quite some time. I am prone to put everyone to bed a little early, however, to ensure my good temper.

An America for Our Children

So we took my parents sight-seeing in DC. The kids were too young, so some very good friends watched the kids all day. Thank you. It seems that various sights made the whole group think about our kids and the American legacy we are leaving for them. We visited the White House, and regardless of party, we felt that that office has lost much of the moral authority it held at its inception. The articles inside the White House that meant the most to us included the original portrait of Pres. Washington that Dolly Madison rescued prior to the British burning the White House down. The combination of his portrait, the story of its rescue, and the fact that it was part of the original White House, reminded us of the virtues that man sought to establish in the office he held. Another touching article was John Adams quote inscribed on the mantel in the state dining room, which reads, "I pray Heaven to bestow the best of blessings on this House, and all that shall hereafter inhabit it. May none but honest and wise men ever rule under this roof." Of course, all of Arlington National Cemetery filled us with a sense of pride in those who serve our country as well as a desire that we better serve too. I love our country and am proud to say that our kids love it too. They point out every American flag they see, and I try to remind them that in this country we are blessed with the freedom to worship God according to the dictates of our own conscience.

Tapping Into a Deeper Well

It really takes a lot of energy to be enthusiastic. How exciting is a half-executed somersault or a scribble drawing? I mean, it's exciting to see your kids progress, but you really have to muster up some extra energy to convey the kind of excitement they're hoping to see. There have been times when the kids are continually yelling, "Watch this! Watch this!" that I worry I'm going to run out of steam. Actually, I think I was getting to that point as this year was drawing to a close at the court, and as we prepared for the move. But two things recharged my battery: First, my parents came to visit. They were able to meet the judge and see where I work. They expressed a lot of pride in my efforts. Not only that, the kids became attached to them so quickly. This meant that my wife and I were actually able to step back from the heat of the parenting battle and watch. Of course, we could not watch our kids without admiring them and loving them more. As "spectators," we could more clearly see what we sometimes miss, including their senses of humor, their tenderness, their friendships with each other, their goofiness, their intelligence, and their kindness. My wife and I couldn't sit back for long. Our love and appreciation for them welled up inside so quickly that it propelled us right back into the fray to wrestle and play with our kids. Second, we were able to take the kids swimming. I used to swim. It is a love of mine. I've always loved swimming with the kids, especially now that they are becoming little fishes themselves. But when they said, "Watch this!" something was different--my son was swimming on his own and my daughter was being very brave in the water. This may seem like another miniature accomplishment that doesn't command a lot of natural excitement, but it did. As a father and a lover of sharing my hobbies with my kids, I couldn't control the thrill and pride I felt as their father. Although I get tired, I know that I won't run out of steam. I love them too much. Each time I get to step back and admire or each time I get to see them learn and grow or develop in some way, a flash flood of energy comes rushing back, and I am able to convey my sincere excitement and appreciation. It makes me grateful to be a dad. What my physical and emotional capacity can't provide sometimes, the deeper well of fatherly love kicks in to supply what I lack.

Moments with Grandparents

Some of life's best moments seem to take place when the grandparents are visiting. For example, knowing that my Mom is scared of snakes, my son threatened to bring his snakes from downstairs. Grandma said, "Then I'll hid under this pillow." My son replied, "Snakes are really sneaky," then ran off to his room with a gleeful giggle/mad-scientist laugh to get his plastic snakes. He then threw them on Grandma's tummy as she was sitting on our couch and scared her. Our toddler also took to Grandma because they wore matching dresses to church today. Since that time she only wanted Grandma today, to play, to snuggle, to put her to bed, to take her potty, to take her to nursery at church, etc. We're not complaining, of course. It made our lives easier. When she went to bed she said, "Don't let her go anywhere." I assured her that she would stay all night and be here when she wakes up. And our baby girl was smitten by Grandpa. She smiled at him and charmed him all day long, except for fits. It seems her aim is not only to have her father wrapped around her finger, but also her grandfather. But one of my favorite moments with the grandparents today was family dinner around the kids' table. Our dining room table is packed away, so seven of us surrounded our 2 x 5 x 2 table for a wonderful Sunday dinner. I love having my parents over for another reason. They are the parents I want to be. They have an amazing influence over our kids that comes from deep and unconditional love that our kids can feel. They had that influence over me when I was young, and I hope I can develop the same ability now that I am a parent.

Partly Cloudy, Mostly Sunny

Having a job that allows me to spend Saturdays with my family has always been a luxury, and "family day," as we call it, has always been the highlight of my week. However, the combination of having to pack a lot today and staying out late last night with friends for a "good-bye" get together combined to make for an emotional day for our tired kids. Not only that, my wife has been sick for several days and unable to get better because she cannot sleep at night in our hot, upstairs, memory-foamless bed. I knew I had to man-up to the situation and exercise a lot of patience. There was a lot of crying today, a lot. There was a lot of taking toys and fighting too. And of course, there was a lot of two-year old defiance. Despite my best efforts first to get permission to put the kids in bed all day, then when that failed, to exercise a lot of creativity and patience, I still got frustrated a couple of times with the kids. But, despite some clouds, there were a lot of rays of sunshine today: a cute conversation laying in bed with my two-year old daughter while she pointed out spots on my face that I needed to "soften"; wrestling with the kids; reading to the kids; chasing the kids around; hearing my son say things like, "We don't have to set the table. Mommy asked if we could set the table," or "This isn't our house. We're only renting"; and a funny conversation with my wife about what a miracle it is that men with such selective attention and hearing can function in society (perhaps a post for another day). I am certain that if I am going to allow the kids to stand on my stomach and chest or ride on my back as much in the future, I need to exercise more. I am also certain that our baby girl, who flails around like a fish out of water when she is mad, will only be happy suspended in air. She won't be held. She won't get down. She won't accept food or drinks. Nothing we can do will calm her down once she gets going. She reminds us of "Katie Ka-Boom" from Animaniacs. I did have some success chasing her around the house. It filled her will momentary glee. Another highlight of the day was the arrival of my parents. We missed them, and it is a lot of fun to invite them into this important chapter of our lives before it closes. As to moving prep, we got a lot of packing done and the house is clean. The thing that leaves the most sour taste in my mouth is not that the kids had rough moments, but that I let my frustration get the better of me sometimes. All in all, there was much more positive than negative I would say.

Favorite Things in DC--Dry Sledding

We've been to museums to see dinosaur skeletons. We've been to Assateague Island to see wild horses and play on the beach. We've seen trains, space ships, monuments, animals, and Indians. Our year here has been full of wonderful experiences and memories. But, as happens many times, many of our most treasured moments happen right at home with friends and family. Tonight we had dinner with friends in the area. Behind their house was a steep hill covered in dry grass. Almost from the moment my family arrived to the moment we left, the back yard was full of smiling and laughing kids sledding down the hill. The parents sat under a canopy eating and talking and admiring our kids. Would this count as among one of our favorite things about DC? Our kids began at 4pm and were forced away at 9pm--5 hours. Need I say more? Maybe one thing more: the we couldn't resist a few runs down the hill with our kids.

"Please Pass the Parents."

Nothing makes you miss your kids as much as feeling that you were mean to them the night before and left for work before being able to make it up to them. It is especially true if the child you were mean to was the middle child. (It is also especially true when you go from work to the car mechanic expecting to wait an hour and pay $100, but end up leaving after waiting 3 hours, missing dinner in the process, and spending $1,000. But that is a story for another day.) My precious toddler is so beautiful, smart, and sweet, but she can also be ferocious and unyielding. Despite my best efforts, some days I get angry. Last night I put her to bed early and without books (I actually read her one book because I felt bad for being mean). But in my anger I held her ears open and spoke firmly into them, "You need to listen." It made her cry. It broke my heart. Then my wife, who is always the insightful one, told me that we do give a lot of attention to our oldest and our baby, sometimes ignoring our toddler. That added to my guilt. I knew it was true. I fell asleep thinking about her, and shortly after arriving to work, my wife called and handed the phone to our toddler. I think she knew how guilty I was feeling. We chatted for a minute then hung up. Then, after returning from the car shop, I came home and went straight to my little toddler, who had forgotten all about last night's episode, and hugged her and kissed her. She pushed me away, which meant she was just fine. Having three kids is hard. We almost have to rotate the amount of time and attention we give to each one. As soon as one feels loved, another feels neglected. I kind of imagine the kids sitting at the table and placing their parents on a lazy Susan set right in the middle. Then when one child is done, another might ask, "Please pass the parents," and rotate us right around the three of them. Then we wouldn't have to guess so much. Either way, no matter how tough it is, making it up to them is always a sweet experience.

Pavlov's Kids

We know that you can condition dogs to salivate whenever they hear a bell ring by consistently feeding them immediately after ringing the bell. I thought maybe the same principle of conditioned response could apply to raising children. For example, I thought our baby girl would stop splashing in the bathtub when I consistently asked her to stop and held her hands together immediately after she splashed. It seemed to work after a while with our oldest. I also thought that our toddler would obey when I consistently reminded her that I was asking her nicely immediately after she ignored me the first time (hoping that our positive responses to her asking nicely would prompt her to do the same). I also that that our oldest would eat his dinner after consistently requiring him to try everything before he could be excused. I now know that I was wrong to think this way. I'm not sure it ever will work with my kids for two reasons: First, our children are not ruled by instinct, like dogs, they are ruled by emotions. Second, whatever worked with one child is almost guaranteed to fail on another child because they are all so different. I guess there is a third reason. They are the same in one respect, which is that they all inherited a double-dose of stubbornness from both family lines. If they don't want to do something or stop doing something, no amount of asking nicely, begging, weeping, or yelling will change it. What do we do? It's times like this when I wish Pavlov had spent his time studying children rather than dogs.

Son and Confidant

This is the part of fatherhood I always looked forward to. I just didn't think it would happen at the young age of four. But my four-year old has somehow developed such maturity and wisdom that I catch myself discussing the realities of work and fatherhood with him. He responds by saying, "Sometimes being a daddy is tough, huh?" or asks thoughtful and specific questions about my experiences. He also shares his own experiences and talks through things so well. He is a natural problem solver, sensitive to the needs of others, incredibly intelligent, and keenly discerning. He also shares spiritual insights and frequently helps me, unwittingly, to keep an eternal perspective. If this is what he is like when he is four, I see him as a valuable leader and counselor in my life as well as in everything he pursues. He has become more than a son and playmate. He is a friend and confidant.

The True Two

Our wonderful two-year old girl is nearing the end of her second year. In a few months, she'll be three. The three-year old-ness is starting to emerge. She is speaking so well. She is taking on responsibilities. She has few potty accidents. She listens and obeys much better. And, she even checks up on us at times to see how we are doing or takes her dishes to the sink without asking. At first, I asked myself, "Is this my little girl?" But it has been happening so frequently that I've become attached to the little girl she is becoming. But then there are days like today that remind us of the true two-year old inside. It refuses to relinquish its grasp on my daughter. On those days, including today, our voices are drowned out by the voice inside that says, "Pretend you can't hear them. Do the opposite of what they say. This is fun isn't it?" Somehow the two-ness makes her especially clumsy. I think the two-year old inside is telling all of her body parts to go in different directions at the same time or at least convinces her she can do it. It has been a while since I've seen so many large bruises on my child's legs or had her come to me every few minutes because she bonked something else. Sometimes, like at dinner last night, the bonks are from trying the same stunt several times in a row with no success. That two-year old voice inside her sure is convincing. I can assure you it is not fun for me when she has the "true two" days. Our patience is fully worn by the end of the day. Time-outs increase in frequency, and our words increase in volume. Then, it ends. She is asleep in bed, a little gently beauty. And I wonder, "Was that tornado I saw earlier today my little girl?"

Super Kids

We dug out our son's winter pajamas to find his Superman, Batman, and Spider Man pajamas. We put them on the kids after church with the capes we got them at Six Flags yesterday. I loved watching them run around to make their capes fly. They also played super hero games together. My favorite part, however, was the realization that what they were wearing really reflects how I feel about them. They are super kids. They take good care of each other and good care of their parents. They are loving and polite and desire to do good. They are also incredibly creative and tons of fun. In addition, they are developing too many talents to list on this post. Looking at them in those super suits just made me think, "Yep, they really are super heroes."

Anniversary Day 2

"Wouldn't our kids love this?" This was the comment we made throughout our day at Six Flags. Our favorite things about our day reminded us of the kids, including how frightened my wife was of the Superman, how cool it was to take pictures with super heroes and Loony Toons, the prizes for games, the cowboys slinging guns, the bumper cars, and even some of the rides. I loved the nostalgia of it all. We both realized we hadn't gone to an amusement park like this for years. We rode almost everything once, and realized we weren't up for some of these rides any longer, especially if they were the rickety old roller coasters with wood frames that knock you around like a rag doll. We loved those when we were kids. But we're older now and get headaches with the "jerky" rides. We also decided to ride the log ride and got soaked. We were surprised how quickly we got through everything we wanted to. We have so much time on our hands without kids. It was a bit strange. Interestingly, we did not take the extra time to ride more rides. The thing we wanted to do the most was find prizes and souvenirs for the kids. We missed them a lot and loved picking them up and spending time with them. In addition to the prizes we won, we got them super hero capes. We couldn't help it. At first we joked that we couldn't stop talking about the kids, but we really didn't want to. They are our greatest joy and an endless source of wonderful conversation. Either way, we needed this day off from the stresses of getting ready for the move, not only to unwind, but more importantly to strengthen our friendship.

*Of course, none of it would have been possible without my sister-in-law watching the kids. After picking them up we went out to eat before going home to bed.

Anniversary Day 1

Since we are moving on our real anniversary, we celebrated Friday night and today. Last night we saw the last Harry Potter and stayed at a hotel. Next to us in the movie theater was a little boy about the same age as our son. As may be expected, we can't get our children out of our minds. This little boy made things worse. We were shocked that a mother would bring such a young child to that movie. Then we began thinking about how passive parenting is a growing trend and how easily negative influences could creep into our kids' lives. We were able to enjoy the movie, however; as well as the feeling that for the next 24 hours, we did not have to be responsible for any children. In fact, we were a little bit like children ourselves. We even jumped on the hotel bed just because we could. It was strange how quiet and peaceful everything was.

All Too Ready

We just finished packing for the night--almost midnight. We had a break in the action today, because I had no commute today. I worked from home (come to find out, this is harder on my wife, because the kids are too excited to take good naps or quiet time). So, when I punched out I played with the kids. I think with all of this packing going on they and I have a lot of pent up energy that we needed to take out on each other with some wrestling, tickling, and sword fighting. They were so excited, and I realized they hadn't had much fun Daddy time since we started packing in earnest. They were all too ready. So was I. I think all of us are also all too ready to settle in our new home, so that we can get back to real Daddy time.

Our Little Guardian

Well, the toddler at the center of many of my posts this year discussing her independence, her spunk, and her lungs, is the center of another post for another reason. She has become our little guardian. Lately, I frequently hear her making sure everyone gets a turn or that nobody gets left out. That includes books, treats, games, movies, a piece of cheese at dinner, etc. She also always runs to Mommy's aid when I wrestle with her. Though she has lost none of her other talents, she is definitely developing a strong sense of nurturing, like a little mommy. Maybe it has something to do with her growing collection of baby dolls. She did this a lot for me when I was Mr. Mom. She also did it several times today. For example, in addition to offering me a piece of her cheese (because other at the table got some), she also wanted to make sure I got a manner bean in the manner jar for thanking Mommy for a wonderful dinner. I told her the jar was just for the kids. She replied by telling me that the manner jar was for a list of names, including people who are not members of our family. As I was reading to my girls tonight, I switched off a little between her books and our baby girl's books. At one point I was about to read a second book of hers in a row, but she stopped me and reminded me it was her little sister's turn. I've always thought of her as my little angel since I stayed with her in the hospital while she had RSV as a baby and watched her always smiling at everyone despite her discomfort. It helped me keep perspective while I was stressing about law school. Now she's grown into our little guardian angel.

Screamers

I'm not sure if all girls are this way, but mine are. I understand that emotions are big things, probably too big for their little bodies to handle. I just wish their first response to any emotional impulse wasn't screaming. Our baby girl wanted me to open some markers so that she could draw on anything and undoubtedly put it in her mouth. I declined, and she screamed. Our little girl laid the blanket she took from the baby out on her bed. Our son was sat down on one of the corners, and she screamed. At least with her I could remove her from the situation, calm her down, and talk to her. There were other instances as well, usually there are several each day. I love them to pieces, but I can't wait until they grow into their emotions.

The Shock of Calm

Today was a stressful day. So, I was surprised when I found myself following my wife's advise during the moments of drama in our home this evening. First, we excused our son from dinner before our daughters because he finished first. Naturally, he hung out near the table, playing, and distracting his sister, who was only too happy to stop eating and play too. On no less than four occasions, I asked him or told him to move away from his sister and the table while she was eating so as not to distract her. Being a smart boy, and the son of a lawyer, our four-year old tried to excuse himself by trying to distinguish his conduct from the conduct he was sure I meant to prohibit. Surely balancing on the edge of the couch by the dinner table is not the same as playing near the table. Well, whatever distracts his sister is close enough for me. Exasperated, I took a deep breath, excused myself from the table, had him look me in the eyes, and told him very calmly that no matter what he is doing, if it near the table distracting his sister, it is not the right thing to do (although now I wonder whether I said it that clearly). He got it. Second, later on there was an altercation resulting in our daughter crying. She told us that our son hit her. Knowing from his face that he did, I was tempted to put him in time-out right then and there. Instead, I asked him to tell his side of the story and asked him questions about his behavior and what his behavior should have been. If my calm response the first time was a surprise, a calm response the second time was even more so, even to me--his excuses do get old quickly. So, when I told him to sit in time-out, he complied without resistance. I guess being calm and asking the kids questions about their behavior shocked them into compliance. I think I'll try it again tomorrow. I certainly feel less guilty than when I raise my voice and issue commands. I think for my son especially, since he is older and quickly advancing, it makes him feel like we recognize his intelligence.

Double Melt-Down

We should have known that after taking the kids to the beach and returning late that night would take it's toll on our kids, one of whom was sun-burned. It happened during church. The older kids were tired and grumpy and a fight ensued. I took our crying daughter out into the foyer until she calmed down. As we walked back in, our son was crying and my wife was trying to carry the baby and nudge our son out to the foyer. So, we all went out of the chapel and into an empty classroom where the kids calmed down, and my wife and I burst into laughter--that is what we do when we are powerless to do anything else. Several people commented between classes, checking if everything was all right or teasing us a little. At some point I knew we would be that family, you know, the one with the noisy kids at church. Today was our day.

Last Time At Assateague Island

Burning sand greeted our feet and humid heat greeted the rest of our bodies when we returned to Assateague Island for a somewhat sentimental farewell before our upcoming move. It felt like a combination of being fried, baked, broiled, and steamed all at once. As with the activities of last night, the adults were the only ones complaining (except my little girl about burning feet). We caked sunscreen on them and got down to the water as soon as possible. The water was only 65 degrees. The heat got so bad that by the time we were eating lunch, we were also considering returning home. I for one was anxious to end this miserable existence and return to our air-conditioned home. But sweet relief wafted in shortly after lunch. The temperature dropped and a breeze blew. What looked like it would be the worst day ever spent at the beach--ever--turned out to be one of the funnest. Our daughters finally gathered enough courage to walk out to the water without being carried, and our son was more or less body surfing the small waves breaking onto the shore. He's never jumped into the water like that in the previous two visits to the ocean. They are growing up too quickly, and despite my being a stick in the mud at first, we did end out time at the island on a high note.

The Sun Was In My Eyes--Camping

Even the weather can affect fatherhood, hence the title of the post. We went camping this weekend. It was planned in advance, but without advance notice that this would be the hottest, most humid week of the entire summer. Though my wife had everything ready when I came home from work, and we made it to the campsite without any problems, we were hot and sweating no matter what we did. This resulted in much less patience, and even less capacity to reason or filter our words when challenges arose like what to do with the kids in the meantime. Actually, we did have some short tempers both when loading the car, then when unloading. We looked back on it later and realized that we did not know why we'd been so short with each other. "It must have been the heat," we concluded. We were blessed with an overcast and breezy evening which seemed to say, "I'll lighten up on you for the kids's sake." Although there was some measure of chaos getting everyone rinsed off (from sweat) and into bed, we did have a fun evening, especially going to sleep in an air-conditioned camper instead of a tent.

The Small Things

Today seemed full of small things that remind me how much fun it is to be a father:

1. My son peering into my mouth while the dentist cleans my teeth. He was even allowed to use the air sucker to clean out the rinsing water. He loved every second of it, and I loved watching the look of fascination in his face. The hygienist commented, "You must really trust him. That could go up your nose." I couldn't say anything, because her hands were in my mouth, but I thought, "He's earned it." I told him so later.

2. Playing in the mini pool in the backyard with all three of my kids. No matter how reluctant I am to do it, I always feel happy and energetic afterwards. I also feel closer to my kids. My wife even commented, "Wow, you're in a really good mood."

3. Wrestling with the kids before bed. I am not reluctant to do this, but it still has the same result. We are all happier and feel closer. Interestingly, the dental hygienist commented that wrestling with Dad has been shown to stimulate the intellectual development of children. No wonder they're so smart.

4. Reading to them in bed. I especially love my son's questions, my daughter's requests for one last book right after I read the last one last book she requested, and my baby girl backing into my lap to start reading and later sitting right back down on my lap when I stand her up to get everyone ready for bed as if to say, "Hey, I'm not done yet."

It truly is fun to be a father.

Heavy-Weight Worries

I am not sure why I feel more relief staring into space and thinking about the logistics of the upcoming move than I do taking my anxieties out on playing with the kids. But that is what I did. In addition, I took a phone call regarding our move shortly after starting to read books with my son at bedtime. My son waited patiently with his head on my lap. Then it became too much for him and he began asking me to get off the phone. I had a friend once tell me that she was an escapist reader--the more there was to do, the more she read instead. I think I am an escapist organizer--the more there is to do, the more I organize and plan things. That may not sound so bad, except that we are to the point where most things we have to do right now are done and I am just repeating those efforts. In other words, I escape through ineffective labor. But it's the fact that I'm laboring that makes me feel better. It's a little sick, I know. But know that I've pinpointed the problem, I can get back to playing with the kids next time.

Lost Puppy

After such a great weekend with the kids and missing them while at work yesterday, I was excited to be able to stay home again today while the family went back and forth to doctor appointments. The morning was a blast, playing together. As the afternoon came on, however, I began to feel really tired and anxious to get back to work. I started wandering around the house looking for things to do instead of playing with the kids, not because I didn't want to play with them, but because I was anxious to accomplish some work. I'm sure my wife didn't mind the extra help, but it was probably a little funny to watch her husband wandering around like a lost puppy.

Back to Real Life

The transition back to real life has been tough. We didn't want to leave this morning, and my son really had a hard time with it, though I couldn't tell if he really didn't want me to go or really just wanted to go to McDonald's right away. I had promised that if we had a good week while Mommy was gone, we could go to McDonald's for family night. Either way, he wouldn't let go of me and he screamed. But coming home I felt greater patience than I usually would after work. I hope that quality sticks. Ironically, my wife was feeling like she'd been hit with a Mack truck (which is usually how I feel when I'm through with a work day). The restaurant was just what the doctor ordered. Two tired parents, no dishes.

Mr. Mom: Day Four

It's hand-off time, and it's a little bitter sweet. Sweet because we all really missed the real mom, especially me. Bitter because now the kids' favorite is back and I am not the principle source of comfort and fun or the principle object of snuggles. I have to share the good as well as the tough. This morning was a headache getting ready for church, and if it weren't for some friends in the congregation who were willing to sit with us and help with the kids, I may have lost it. It's funny, one whole good week with the kids and the only time I was tempted to lose my temper was during a one-hour church meeting. I regrouped quickly and really gave the last full measure of love and patience until my wonderful wife made it home right before dinner. When she arrived, the kids exploded with a new sense of energy and it was difficult to get some order out of chaos enough to have dinner, books, and bedtime. But we loved the time together. I am especially proud this week of keeping my temper during the whole four days. The kids deserve a lot of the credit. Next to that, I am proud that the house was clean, dinner prepared, and everything in proper order when my wife returned home. I've become quite domestic. In fact, I was a little protective of the house at first and found it a little difficult to hand back over the reigns. My wife commented how surprised she was when noticing certain things. That does a lot for a man's pride. In short, we had a successful week, and I feel so much closer to my kids. I think I will miss being able to focus only on them. Maybe someday I will be lucky enough to be a stay-at-home dad.

Mr. Mom: Day Three

I've heard runners discuss that point where there bodies want to give up--the wall. I think all of us have hit that point today. I'm tired of the pace. I have to sprint back and forth to accomplish in one day an eight of what my wife can accomplish in a day with her eyes closed. I wonder if she is secretly an octopus. To give you an idea of how tired we are, I woke up at 8 am, as did my son, but the girls woke up at 8:15 am with some coaxing with the toddler. Coaxing was also required to get the girls up from naps, again mostly with the toddler. It may seem strange, but I think part of the reason the kids are so tired is that they have to put in extra effort to help Daddy in his effort to be Mommy. I think they are subconsciously pulling some of the weight of having no Mommy around. My oldest daughter, for example, has checked up on me several times during the week to make sure that when they get a treat or a drink or something I've gotten one too. Several times she's asked, "Are you hungry too?" or "Did you get your water?" I think she's noticed that I often don't eat and drink with them, unless it's family dinner. I find it easiest to eat either before or after them when I'm watching them. Ultimately, we had a fun day, and the kids again gave me their vote of approval on my temper. We started with two-and-a-half hours at the park--the only park I've ever seen that I'm sure was designed by someone with kids because it was completely shaded. The kids showed off all the tricks they've learned with Mommy. Daddy also pushed them higher on the swings then Mommy would approve, but they liked it. We had a picnic lunch, complete with gnats. After our eldest's quiet time, while the girls were busy napping, my son and I did some science experiments from a kit given to him by my mother-in-law. We got a little carried away and used up all the remaining ingredients to see what would happen. Nothing blew up but we got some cool chemical reactions. I had to use some extra baking soda and vinegar--sorry, Honey, I couldn't help myself. We did some reading practice, mostly on blends. Then we had a good sword fight. The kids did have a little bit of a melt-down this evening, fighting over toys. It was clearly because they were too tired to control themselves any longer. I quickly warmed up the spaghetti dinner they refused to eat yesterday and encouraged them through dinner, ice cream, and bath, to try to be happy so that we could have a family movie night. Toward the beginning of the movie I cleaned, then put the baby to bed. I would normally let her have popcorn with the older kids but I was too tired to deal with the mess and the problems caused by her incessant swiping. Once she was in bed and the cleaning was done, the kids got their popcorn, finished the movie, potty and teeth, a book, and finally bed. I tried to encourage my son to sleep in my bed tonight. He was confused. I explained that I've enjoyed the extra time I've had with him so much that I think I will miss it when Mommy comes back. Alas, he wanted his own bed and completely missed the sentimentality of it all. He did sneak back downstairs and changed his mind only to change it back again before I could lay him down on my bed. Boy am I glad Mommy will be back tomorrow, but I am also grateful that I've been able to be Mr. Mom for a few days. I say this now because I have a feeling that taking them to church tomorrow will not be as good of an experience--then again, I've been pleasantly surprised three days in a row already. And to ensure that my wife, who can never leave home when she leaves home, can enjoy herself, we left voice messages and sent pictures and texts to let her know that things have not fallen apart with me in charge. We love you, Mommy, and look forward to having you back tomorrow night. Now I'm going to shave--first time in three days.

Mr. Mom: Day Two

It's hard to pretend on a blog that I really experienced being a Mr. Mom when the kids were out with friends all day long. I did get a lot of packing done, however. When the kids came home in the afternoon, all of us were tired, so I caved in with dinner. We had cereal. The kids were insisting and were tired beyond all reason. And I was too tired to put up much resistance despite the fact that I'd already made spaghetti and steaming broccoli. Judging from the amount they ate--which was about 3 times what they eat for breakfast--I think their bodies require something more substantial for dinner. I did make them eat some of the steamed broccoli. They also had orange juice. And two girls had some grilled chicken too. I'm sorry, Honey. I will be more firm about tomorrow's dinner. On a sad note, as I was cleaning up the kitchen and the kids were playing soccer downstairs, my oldest girl wanted to show everyone how well she could kick the ball but everyone kept right on with what they were doing. She finally drooped her head and shoulder and whimpered despondently, "Why won't anyone listen to me?" It was too much. I immediately dropped what I was doing and watched. It cheered her right away. She tugs at my heart strings like nobody else, and she knows it. I think the highlight of my day was a realization I had when talking to my wife on the phone. I told her that it is hard to balance two worlds most of the time because it requires switching in and out of mindsets, one for work and one for home. But being a full-time dad has been a lot of fun. I can focus exclusively on them. I feel a lot closer to them, especially knowing they are exercising a lot of patience with a Mommy impostor. I told my wife that I can see why being a stay-at-home mom is so fulfilling. There is a lot of satisfaction in caring for my kids and spending time together every day, not to mention a lot of satisfaction looking back on the day and realizing you survived. In fact, a couple came to look at our apartment this afternoon with a realtor and they asked what my wife does, I promptly replied, "She is a very busy stay-at-home mom, the most important job there is. Much more important that a lawyer, which is what I am."

Mr. Mom: Day One

My wife is gone for 4 days to spend time with her sisters. I am Mr. Mom. I've never been the full-time, stay-at-home parent for that long. I've been so worried about this all week that I felt worn-out before the 4 days ever started. Today began with the toddler falling off of her bed at 6:30 am. She was fine and went back to bed, but she woke the baby, who decided to stay awake. When the toddler did wake up, she had an accident. While the other two had breakfast downstairs, I cleaned up the puddle and the girl. But the first few hours of the day were deceptively chaotic. The kids were angels the rest of the day. Now I'm worried they were deceptively cooperative. They swam in the morning. We also built a fort and wrestled. During nap time, my son and I built an awesome snake using 300 blocks. When the girls woke up, we all went swimming in the back-yard pool. My wife had me make an easy dinner that they love. Despite starting late because of early baths, we finished with plenty of time for me to clean the kitchen and read the kids almost all the books they could ever want before bed. You can tell when they got all the books they want when they willingly go to bed. And, the highlight of the evening was that I told my kids my goal of not losing my temper while Mommy was gone, and they unanimously voted that I had succeeded in keeping my temper today.

*As a side-note, I am confused by people who downplay stay-at-home parents. Seeing what my wife does every day, I am definitely a proponent and defender of stay-at-home parents. Now experiencing more of what she does every day (no wonder she stays so skinny), I am now their greatest admirer.

End From Beginning

There are days, like today, where a little cloud looms over my head. I couldn't really shake it. It could be that my wife is leaving for four days, during which time I will be Mr. Mom. It could be that it was overcast and rainy for part of the day. It could be that it was a slow day. Or, it could just be that I'm in limbo, between two worlds, nearing the end of my clerkship and packing up to begin my career at a law firm. The latter is probably compounded by the fact that I do not remember much about the area of law I will be practicing at the firm and that I still have an uneasy feeling about billable hours expectations and time with family. If my life were a book, I think I'd be seriously tempted right now to read the last page or at least skip a couple of chapters ahead to see how things turned out. My problem is that I want to know the end from the beginning, that I want to get from A to B as quickly as possible, and that I don't slow down to enjoy the experience of travelling there. I realize that if I am not careful, I'll reach my destination with an armful of achievements and a soul void of character. This realization helps me to step back, examine these more challenging days, and ask, "What can I learn from this? What kind of person can I become through this?" Unfortunately, it takes me until 9:15 pm to start asking these questions.

Blue Lips

Our son is getting older and has demonstrated tremendous maturity and obedience. So, after visiting friends left, we attempted a practice they have at bed time. After they put their kids to bed, they let them read in their beds until they either fall asleep or let them know they are ready to go to sleep. It worked well the first night. But last night was not so great. We heard a lot of movement and noise in our son's room. Apparently he thought he could get out of bed and do whatever he wanted. Eventually he came down to tell us he was ready to go to bed. Because he has a great sense of humor, he wanted to surprise Mommy by sneaking down and hiding in a corner to surprise her. It almost worked. I missed it but thought the idea was funny so I let him explain it to me before he went back up to bed. I fully intended to congratulate him on his cleverness, until I spotted something: blue lips. I asked him about it. He said he'd eaten some candy and tried to excuse himself by saying he'd brushed his teeth again afterwards. I looked at Mommy--the two of us understood what we needed to do. Calmly, she led him back upstairs and explained to him that we can no longer trust him to have his candy in his room. He was heart-broken, more that we were disappointed in him and lost some trust in him than about the candy. We explained that it was good to feel bad. It teaches us when things are wrong, like disobeying parents and trying to hide it from them. Then we told him that if he makes a mistake he doesn't need to hide it from us. If he does, that bad feeling will only get worse. The only way to make that feeling go away is to tell us the truth right away. And we promised that we wouldn't get made if he did. I thought we did a pretty good job of practicing what we were preaching in this instance. We've tried to explain all this before by having the kids wear backpacks and filling them with books until they became too heavy to bear. This is the first outrightly dishonest thing he's ever done. It surprised us. In a way, we are proud of him for lasting this long. We are also grateful that he feels terrible when he's lost our trust. On the other hand, it confirms my suspicion that we are only just beginning the adventure of parenthood and it will only get tougher.

Another Use for Daddy's Arms

Every boy loves to be Spider-Man, but not every boy can shoot spider webs. My son, however, can. When he presses his make-believe button on his wrist, out comes a sticky spider web in the form of Daddy's arm. He points and I stick out my arm for him to grab. Then I swing him across the room. From the look in his eyes I knew that any dad who can help his son be more like the real Spider Man is pretty cool. It made me feel pretty cool.