Guilty Praise, etc.

I would consider myself a very positive person. I am a firm believer in being strict, but not withholding compliments or praise when our kids do positive things. We've raised our kids to be pretty confident I think. Lately we've noticed that our son has become a little too confident in certain things, which ironically presents road block to his progress in various things like reading or obeying. We've complimented him so much about every effort he's made with reading that he started to believe that he can read perfectly. After a great deal of introspection I realized that while complimenting is good and withholding due praise is not, much of the over-praise I give often stems from a little bit of guilt for being too strict, too tired, too busy, or just too scared to provide needed criticism. I also realize that what is important about our children's efforts and what will really build confidence is when they think they are doing a good job, not us. Which means that when they feel they did poorly and hear us lavishing praise, they might feel our praise is insincere and resent it. Or they will simply receive mixed messages (or schizophrenia) from my alternating strictness and praise. My wife and I talked a lot about it last night and tried to be more conscious of it today. Our kids do not need praise, they need sincerity, in constructive criticism as well as in praise, both of which should usually be built on a few questions to them about their feelings: "How did you feel about your game?" "How do you think you did with your reading practice today?" "What do you think about the picture you drew?" My wife is really the one who helped me to do this today. Interestingly, I could be less strict (verbally) today and get a better response from the kids, and there was no guilt to deal with in the end. I felt like I connected better with the kids today, and felt--although it may sound strange when referring to kids 4 and under--mutual respect for each other throughout the day.

*As a side note, I also found it funny today that despite the high standards to which I am held, and hold myself, in an adult setting, I agreed to draw a picture of the biggest billy goat gruff for my son today, knowing it would be mediocre at best. To my surprise, he showed it to my wife and said, "Mommy, look what Daddy drew! Can you hang it up in my room?" It's a wonder to me that dads don't spend more time at home where even their lack of talent is appreciated that much.