You Are Supposed to Feel Bad

Making mistakes is embarrassing. I know this well, having experienced it once myself (a day). Often, I try to make a joke out of it or somehow excuse it to make it okay. This may send a mixed message to kids who are still figuring out the difference between a mistake, as in an accident, and a mistake, as in doing something they know is wrong. My son, for example, curious and excited/"in the moment" slid a plastic lid under the oven. Of course, the laughing stopped when I called his name. It was actually the second time I called his name. The first was when I saw what he was about to do. But after the second time I called his name, he looked at me and knew that he had done something he knew was wrong. Instead of saying sorry, he tried to explain it away: "It's okay, 'cause we can just get another one." I'm sure he felt embarrassed because this was all happening in front of his mother and sisters. I told him, "It's not okay, and we can't just get another one." Seeing that he was feeling bad about it, I said, "You are supposed to feel bad when you do something wrong. It helps us to never want to do it again." Then he apologized and I quickly forgave him and gave him a hug. Then, just before bed he said, "Daddy, I'm sorry I didn't listen and put that thing under the oven." I didn't realize he really felt bad all night, although I'm not surprised. He has always been sensitive to right and wrong. Having gotten frustrated tonight with his sister, I told him, "I forgive you. I made a mistake tonight too getting frustrated with your sister. You did the right thing saying sorry. I told your sister I was sorry too. Now we need to try harder tomorrow." He agreed. We also decided that we need to invent something to get that lid out from under the oven. He's already hatched a plan involving a flashlight and toy sword. So, after I laid him down, I put the flashlight and sword in the kitchen for him. I am proud of him, especially because he gleans good messages from what I say, even when I have no idea what I'm saying (as long as I told talk too much). Ironically, when I made my mistake of getting frustrated with his sister tonight, guess who called me out? Yep, my son. He reminded me, "Daddy, she's just a baby and doesn't understand." Worse still, I also tried to explain away my mistake: "Well, she's old enough to understand that she needs to listen to me and that she can't throw books around." I felt just as embarrassed as I'm sure he did only about a half an hour earlier. Right now, I'm being haunted by my own words.