Rule, Rules, Rules

I get that I need to figure out when an issue is "life or death" and when it is something I should let slide in the interest of letting kids be kids and remaining approachable rather than feared or hated. I'm certain I'm not feared or hated. I'm too nice to my kids to be hated, and the fact that they ignore me several times a day tells me I'm not feared. However, I'm not sure yet whether I'm approachable, because I'm still very strict especially regarding messes and schedules. Although I'm getting better at determining when to lay down the law and when to let it go, I'm not quite there yet, and sometimes law stumbles out of my mouth when I should have let it go. What do I do then? When my daughter refused to eat dinner and continued spitting on herself and on the floor no matter what we said, I determined to lay down the law: spit again and instant bed without dinner. It was only 6:30 pm. She spit again, and I had to follow through. Interestingly, she was so tired by that point (which is probably why she wouldn't eat or settle down) that she complied angelically to an early bedtime routine. She's no fool. She expected it and probably wanted it, but she likes to achieve things on her own terms. On the other hand, when my son got out of bed several times, I would not let him turn on the light and I would not tuck him back in, but I did let him get a drink of water. I'm not sure why I laid down the law in such an odd way. I guess in my mind, lights out and no re-tucking meant that he was expected to stay in bed and I was going to treat him accordingly. But, I also trust him because he doesn't try to take advantage of the "I'm thirsty" excuse to get out of bed often. I hope the message I intended by creating rules in the one situation but letting it go in the other was received that way. Who knows? Well, actually I do know. It's likely just a jumbled mess to him. My parents' rules rarely made sense to me until I left for college or later had a family of my own. How much more confusing are all these rules to three children under the age of four? Yet another good reason to let things go sometimes. Maybe I should just limit myself to three rules: tell the truth, be kind to others, and don't ever make messes or make me late to something. Simple enough.