The Limits of Loyalty to Daddy

My son and I are the two holdouts, meaning we the only members of the family who are still so sick that we are either sleeping most of the day or lounging around watching movies. I felt that we had really bonded because we were able to commiserate together throughout the day. We snuggled up on the couch to some movies, and he really seemed to enjoy having Daddy there to suffer through this with him. Then came bed time. Normally my wife and I switch off reading to different kids, and I was my turn to read to my son tonight. But he stopped me and explained that he wanted Mommy to read to him tonight and all nights when he is sick, then we can switch of the nights when he feels well. My first thought was: "Where's the loyalty? Didn't we suffer together?" But I later thought: "Well, I guess if I were in your shoes I'd want Mommy too." It softened the blow a little.

A Tale of Two Cs

If you thought that kids could care less whether Cheese-Its had letters of the alphabet on them, you'd be wrong--at least as far as our two-year old is concerned. My wife took her to church while I stayed home sick with the other two kids. My wife later told me that our as our little girl was eating the crackers as a snack at church, she would hold up some of them and say the letter before popping them into her mouth. Both of us were thrilled. She can recognize some of the letters now. As soon as my wife told me, I asked my daughter if I could check her brains. I held onto her ear, peered inside, and said, "Yep. Your brain is getting bigger and smarter." Immediately, a big smile beamed across her face and she starting singing the alphabet song to me. I could tell she was proud of herself and gaining confidence in her learning. I, of course, was proud too. I never expected her to burst into the ABC song like that, especially because she used to be so shy about it. But a little lesson I learned from this is that I should never underestimate the power of a compliment. A recent Wall Street Journal article addressing a trend between wealth and intelligence determined that a major factor in intellectual development is whether and how often the child is criticized or complimented. The article pointed out that where intellectual development is low, When the children live in an environment where they are criticized 80% of the time and complimented only 20% of the time, their intellectual development is low. Where the percentages are reversed, intellectual development is high. I don't know where my percentages fall. To be honest, they are probably the worst with this independent little girl. On the one hand, she is beginning to stay dry through the night and during naps--a big big deal! On the other, she sometimes struggles when she's awake and distracted. She's also afraid of going number two, holds it for days, and goes in her pants. I was the unlikely one who had to clean it up today. No compliments there. I'm thrilled about her accomplishments, but frustrated by her struggles during the day. She is also not very compliant in general. It almost makes it worse sometimes to point it out her because she enjoys it. But, at least we can capitalize on her joy in doing the opposite of what we say at dinner by telling her not to eat her corn or rice. It worked tonight on her rice. I am also a perfectionist, but at the same time feel that my kids are as close to perfect as kids come. So, maybe I'm a 70% complimenter and a 30% criticizer. I'll ask my wife to make sure I'm not being too generous with myself. Either way, I hope I can improve my record. Judging from what happened today, I'm convinced that compliments produce results better than criticism.

Somehow They Understand

I always worry when Saturday rolls around and I am too sick to play with the kids. It is one of the few opportunities for us to spend the whole day together playing and growing closer. I worry that they won't understand and act out when I have to decline to wrestle or play. But today they didn't. I've been sicker than I've been in a long time--stuck to the bed almost all day. Somehow the kids understood how serious it was and were very subdued and gentle. They are still sick too, but they had plenty of bursts of energy. I am thankful for my kids. I'm thankful they can understand, even when their little, the needs of a parent.

That's a Little Boy Name

Last night my son initiated an interesting conversation:

"Why does A. call me Boo Boo?"

"Well, his mom called you Buddy Boo when you were a baby, and he couldn't pronounce it. So, he called you Boo Boo."

Then, he asked my wife the same thing today. He further explained:

"I don't like it when A. calls me Boo Boo."

"Why?"

"That's a little boy name."

"Can you think of a different name you want him to call you?"

"How about Soccer Man or Scuba or Superman?"

He is really growing up if he's already sensitive to stuff like that.

The Best Kind of Sick Day

For any corporate dad with young children, it is difficult to decide what to do when you are sick. You can stick it out at work or you can go home. The catch is that work is often more restful than home. In the best of all possible worlds, if I have to be sick, I prefer that my kids are all sick too. Then, when I am home, they do not need to play much and I don't need to feel bad because I can't or lose patience because I don't feel up to it. When they are sick all they want to do is snuggle. Of course, this is only the best option if my wife is feeling well so that she can keep our home from falling apart. Today, I left work early because I was feeling sick. I arrived at home to the perfect scenario. My wife was happy and healthy, but all the kids were sick and snuggly. They were on the couch watching a movie, and I snuggled up right in between them. At different points in the movie, they leaned their heads against my shoulders. Now that is the way to get a sick corporate dad feeling better.

Fighting Over Dishes & The Biggest Hug

Dishes--Allowance has resulted in arguments popping up in unexpected places. As background, one responsibility my son has to qualify for allowance during the week is setting the table. But there have been times when we've had to call him repeatedly to do it. We decided we were done with that. He now owes us 1/5 of his allowance whenever we have to set the table for him. He's only had to do that once so far--he reset the table anyway. Today looked to be the second time. Only, our toddler wanted to set the table instead. So, we determined our son would pay her. That made him jump up. Not only that, he refused to let her help him even though we told him he would still get paid if he let her help. A fight between our two oldest ensued while my wife and I were in the kitchen with the baby. We don't like fighting so we try to handle it quickly. But this time we just looked at each other. How do you handle a fight over who gets to do the chores? Should we punish our son because he won't let his sister help? Thank goodness for the attention spans of children. The fight blew over before we could figure out what to do. I guess we could have worse problems--well, we do, but I've posted enough on potty training. Still, we're not in bad shape right now.

The Biggest Hug--My hug from my son tonight before bed would rank among the biggest he's ever given me. He usually gives me pretty big hugs, like tackling hugs or bear hugs, but the "big" in the hug was of a very different nature. To explain, we are both feeling very sick. On top of that, I do not have what sick kids need. First, I am not their mother. They know that, and I know that. You may think that I am slow on the uptake, but it is not being slow, just hopeful that someday my kids will seek comfort from me on a regular basis in addition to seeking it from their mother. Right now my wife is leading in comfort opportunities a zillion-to-one. I cannot nurture or comfort the way she does. In fact, that is whom I seek out when I need comfort too. Second, I still don't have the patience to slow down and understand what a sick child needs. My son would not tell me. Well, I thought he was telling me when he kept whimpering that he wanted Mommy to help him get ready for bed. After a while of waiting for my son to respond to what I felt were patience directions to get undressed and into his PJ's, I got tired of it. I even told him that if he didn't get moving he wouldn't get any books from me or Mommy. Finally, he started to cry and say, "Daddy, please just leave me alone. Just wait a minute." I felt horrible. I thought I was being patient, but I didn't really get that he was exhausted and physically and emotionally spent. It wasn't the typical four-year old distraction that kept him from getting ready. As hard-hearted as I can be at bed-time, especially when I feel sick too, I told him he was right and sincerely asked his forgiveness. Then I decided to give in and let Mommy help while I bathed the girls--something that required more work, especially when your toddler has an accident on the bathroom floor. Before I left, I told him I loved him and gave him a hug. To my surprise, this exhausted little boy put all of his remaining energy into squeezing me back as hard as he could and in a way that said, "Thank you for understanding. I love you too." I may not be the main comforter, but I think he felt somewhat comforted to know that his father cares enough to say "sorry" and really listen to what he needs.

When the Mom's Away . . .

Chaos comes out to play. While getting ready to change the baby, my son fell down the bottom two steps and hurt his knee. While setting him down on the couch to recover, the baby crawled off the step-down to the living room and bumped her head. While calming the baby down and changing her diaper, my toddler went number two in her underpants. Once I cleaned up and got all the kids back together to put them in their pajamas, they all started crying. To rub it in even further they whimpered the words no father enjoys hearing, "I want Mommy." I understood. By that point I wanted my mommy too. On the bright side, we did have a lot of fun horsing around before all of the chaos ensued.

The Cat in the Hat

Bad weather and colds can make days at home seem so boring. We had great ideas, including Mt. Vernon or the park, etc. But when we saw the weather this morning, we felt almost like the little boy and girl staring out the window at the rain and wondering what to do. Luckily, it was my day off too (President's Day), and I am their favorite toy. Randomness ruled our day, including putting on costumes--I was, appropriately, the Cat in the Hat. We also wrestled, spelled, read, watched a little show, and even danced in a mambo line. We rounded out the day by Skyping with my wife's parents. We didn't step a foot outside, but we hardly noticed we were stuck inside. As a side note, my wife says that I should be the stay-at-home parent; however, I assured her that if I stayed home everyday, I wouldn't have the energy to do all of these things every day either. We know all too well what can happen to even the best of plans. But when plans are thrown out the window, like they were today, we sometimes have even more fun just goofing off together.

Try Something New

What's that they say about a wise man and a foolish man? A foolish man uses the same method to get different results, while a wise man realizes that to get different results he must try something new. Those words of wisdom ring particularly true when figuring out how to teach/discipline/guide my toddler girl. She has personality and adventure bursting from her eyelashes. I'm not sure her little body can contain that much zest for life and exploration. But I am sure that big personality does not respond to traditional discipline, including time-outs, "no," lectures, looks of disappointment, taking privileges, etc. Attempts involving any of the above are met with a knowing (and admittedly charming) look of feigned innocence, complete with a tilted head, batting eyes, and a tender smile--a mix of "who me?" and "you bet it is!" all in one. Perhaps I have succumbed to her charm. Perhaps the fact that her playful personality reminds me of her mother, endearing her to me even more. Perhaps it is her doe eyes and true beauty. Perhaps it is my appreciation for her razor sharp wit and impeccable comedic timing. Certainly, it has to do with the fact that all previous attempts at discipline have failed. But, I've finally decided to try something new. It's not quite, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," but more of an, "if you can't beat 'em, appreciate them" approach. I haven't mastered it yet, but today it involved returning a knowing smile that communicates, "you may be clever, and I love you for it, but you're not fooling me, and you're not getting away with it," followed by wrestling, tickling, or otherwise showing affection with her until I've charmed her back into doing something more constructive. To be honest, I feel like it takes on a different form every time and every day with her, but the concept is the same--patience, appreciation, loving persuasion. It is a work in process, but it certainly makes disciplining this unconquerable and insatiable toddler much more fun. It tells her I love what is good about her, and guides her in a way she understands and without criticism to becoming even better. So far, she is 100% more responsive.

What Saturday Is For

Today I discovered another reason Saturdays with the family are so great--without them we miss the little things our wives get to see throughout the week that help us appreciate our children's personalities even more. Things like going to the Air & Space museum and examining the torpedoes together with my son; putting my toddler girl down for a nap under her bed, at her insistence, only to find her sleeping behind the curtain when I go to get her up; watching my son create a bird or another couch on the floor or couch cushions; and sitting between my two oldest as they are nestled into their thrones of pillows and blankets eating popcorn during movie night. And of course, new faces that my baby girl makes and more of her standing practice. There really are sides to our kids we miss out on during the work week. I'm grateful I get Saturday's at home to catch-up a little bit.

Date Night

Can't write much tonight. I'm on a date with my wife. By the way, a corporate dad is going to run out of steam without regular dates with his wife. It strengthens an essential friendship and partnership. The closer the father and mother are at home, the safer our children feel at home. We read Kira Kira several years ago and were impressed by something the protagonist shared, "I knew my mother and father loved each other. That made me feel safe."

A Lawyer and a Scuba Diver

Success! I came home tired, but I reminded myself as I got home that I made a promise that I would not lose my temper tonight. I made a great effort to think before I spoke. I think my kids really liked that because I spoke less. I also made the effort to really listen, even if they were whining over something ridiculous. Of course, wrestling before bed never hurts either. There was also an unexpected success.

My son asked my wife, "When I am older can I work at the same place Daddy works?"

My wife asked, "Why do you want to work at the same place?"

Son: "I want to work with Daddy."

Wife: "You want to be a lawyer?"

Son: "Can a lawyer be a scuba diver too?"

Wife: "Yes."

Son: "Then I want to be a lawyer and a scuba diver?"

I guess I'm not doing too badly if my son wants to work with me and be a lawyer, as long as he can still be a scuba diver of course.

Control Theory

So much for yesterday's theory. I do not think it is wrong, but I'm realizing that it is much easier said than done. Many of my posts have centered on sincere communication, quality time, and patience. The reality is that those are difficult things to accomplish. That is why just as many of my posts discuss understanding myself and my kids, being patient, worrying less about things that aren't that important, and learning to overcome my selfishness. Oddly, I do not think my challenges are always related to being tired, stressed, busy, etc. For me, they are more about control. Perhaps I should start my quest there. Prime examples of my control complex include getting offended when the kids don't listen to me, such as at bath-time tonight when I got frustrated that my three kids kept splashing, screaming, and wiggling around as I tried to bath them, or just before dinner when I asked my son to sit at the table only to have him try to escape and play a little longer. I sometimes stop them in their tracks or remove the toy that is distracting them, all of which startles them. Another example of control is getting frustrated and impatient when my kids make messes. I always cringe when I put a little scoop of food into my baby's mouth only to have her push it back out onto her bib or the tray table, or when my wonderful wife puts corn, beans, or other vegetables on her tray and she smothers them and drops them down by her legs and on the floor. Our son also wiggles quite a bit at his seat (until we threated him with a booster seat) causing him to drop his food. Our toddler always drops her drink and spills it out onto the table, the floor, or her. All of those things, except by some miracle spilling the drink, also happened tonight. Finally, I have a hard time letting the kids touch my stuff because they generally forget to put it back or otherwise take care of it. One of the many wonderful things about my wife is her calming influence on me. She reminds me that many things are not life or death, that I am being proud when I choose to get offended, or that I should laugh at things a little more. For example, our son covered the basement floor with toys, later explaining that it was "Toy Land" and that "Kids don't clean-up toys in Toy Land." Genius! But there are days, like today, where I lost my patience not once, not twice, but at least three times with my kids (mainly our oldest) within the short two-hour period of time we had together between work and bedtime. I think the mistakes feed into one another. I blow it, feel like a bad dad, become more impatient, and blow it again. Days like today remind me how much this corporate dad still has to learn. On the bright side, I apologized to my son when I put him to bed. He replied, "I still love you. You just made a bad choice." Unfortunately, he's had to forgive me many times for the same mistake. I'm not sure that is teaching him true repentance. But, how lucky I am that he is so forgiving. So, back to my quest. I need to learn to discern between those things I need to control and those things I do not need to control, and give up the latter. Good luck!

Location, Location, Location

They hung on every word I said as I searched the house for them during hide-and-seek. They followed me without my saying a word when I paused from playing to do my work-out. They told me what was on their minds when I picked them up to snuggle or tickle them. But when I asked my son to help pick-up toys, he played with them. When I asked my daughter to set something on the table, she turned and walked away. When I reminded my son he had to try everything Mommy made for dinner, he covered his ears. All through dinner I kept thinking about this barrier between me and my children, as if it were a pane of glass through which they can see my mouth moving and my hands gesturing but they can only make out the sound similar to what the Peanuts gang hears when adults speak. If there is one thing I'm beginning to learn, it's that whether my kids hear me depends upon where I am standing when I speak to them. Am I on their side of the glass or mine? Does there even need to be a glass pane? The difference in the examples above is becoming more personal to me. The second set of examples of communication is not inherently wrong, nor is the first set of examples inherently right. I find that in the second set of examples, however, I typically engage my kids with some form of guile, meaning I look happy on the outside but feel frustration or impatience on the inside. Or I am frustrated and impatient outwardly, but inside I know I am being lazy or selfish. I think kids can sense the disconnect between reason and emotion, but do not know how to communicate on such a nuanced plane. So, they ignore it, misinterpret it, get frustrated by it, joke about it, or run away from it. They are only 4, 2, and 1, after all. They communicate on a plane of innocence, where reason and emotion are both transparent, and often so in sync as to be indistinguishable. They are guileless. My theory is that when I engage them as in the first set of examples, they are more responsive because I'm more prone to engage them on their plane of communication--innocently, without other motives. The principle I draw from this is much more simple that the discussion of it: I need to make sure I engage them with pure motives or they won't be responsive. That necessarily means I need to hold my tongue until I'm sure I'm not issuing commands or lecturing out of pride or selfishness.