A Birthday to Remember

Today was my wife's birthday. She hit the big 3-0. It was a birthday to remember, not only for my wife, but also for my son. This is the first of my wife's birthdays where we have a child old enough to remember what I do to show my wife how important her birthday is to me. He is a keen observer. I sent my wife on a scavenger hunt through the house looking for her multi-part gift. Our son saw this and noticed how special my wife felt. We saw him speed off to the family room for some paper and crayons. Then he grabbed my law school hat and hid it in his bed. It was cute to watch him play the "hotter/colder" game with my wife until she found my hat. Then he gave it to her. He was so excited, and my wife loved it. Then he gave her the card he made. He traced his hands and wrote his full name on the pictures, spelled according to the sounds he hears, his first name on the bottom and his middle and last names inside the hands.

When They Know . . .

What do you do when your son gets over-excited while your playing with him and whips a piece of clothing at your head? Well, my typical response to what I consider an innocent mistake is a three-step process: (1) talk about it, (2) hope he feels bad and apologizes, and (3) quickly forgive and move on. But when I put my hand on his arm, he backed away and began to cry. He curled up to his mother and said to her, "I don't want daddy to talk to me right now." My first reaction was, "I'm a terrible father! My son is scared of me." But, my wife helped me realize that wasn't true. He knew that he made a big mistake and already felt horrible. What he really needed was to know that I still trust him and love him. That would motivate him better than a lecture. (Boy, did that take the wind out of my sails. My lectures are brilliant.) So, after he calmed down and apologized, I decided that skipping to the last step was sufficient--though I added a big hug in there too.

Heart to Heart

You can just tell when something is on your child's mind, so I decided to ask him about it:

     "What's Daddy's superhero power?"

     "He saves people, just like me."

     "What's Mommy's superhero power?"

     "She's a kisser."

     "What's R's superhero power?"

     "She shares."

     "What's K's superhero power?"

     "She chews on things."

     "What's Walker's (the turtle) superhero power?"

     "He digs."

And people think that children are caught up in little things. Having a family of superheros is pretty big to me.

Battling Expectations

We've tried to take advantage of our short time here by trying to go on a "family adventure" each week, mostly to museums. There is so much to see, and my wife and I always look forward to seeing all we can. As this is a family adventure, and our family consists of a four-year old, a two-year old, and a baby, we've never expected to see much. It's quite a task to get there, however, and the question continues to run through my mind: is all this worth it to see only half an exhibit at a museum? While I was there aching to see more, I thought "no way!" But the purpose of the family adventures isn't really to learn anything from the museums, as odd as that may sound. The purpose is really to share fun experiences together like taking my wife's cookies to the security officers who let us park at the court, getting ice cream on the mall, picnic lunches, and pointing out different monuments we see on the way. In fact, sometimes the museum is the least enjoyable part--often because the kids scatter in different directions, the parents don't get to really see anything, and the parents and kids disagree on how long to stay or when and where to have snack. I doubt they'll remember the museums anyway. But, I'm sure they'll remember the overall experience or at least the effort we put into it for them.

Big Girl, Big Slime

Our baby girl decided she is done with baby food. She will not touch it, and now I will not touch her--at least while she is eating. The reason is simple, although she won't eat baby mush anymore, she turns the normal food we give her (bananas, sweet potatoes, pancakes, bread, eggs, etc.) into mush anyway. It's not just that. With the baby food, she used to let us feed her with a spoon. Now she insists on using her hands and gets the mush all over her. She is covered in slime by the end of dinner, and we can only hope that some of it got into her mouth. I'm guessing it does because she seems happy after dinner. One thing I can guarantee about the slime, however, is that she gets it all over the parent assigned to clean her up after dinner, because he does not have to clean up kids throughout the day--the corporate dad.

The Baby Is Gone

Why is it that as my son learns, matures, and becomes more self-sufficient I worry more about him? There is no reason to think he is unhappy or getting into trouble--he's a very mature three-year old. Perhaps his maturity is the reason. For the past three years he's been dependent upon us for so much. The benefit to that was immediate feedback. In other words, I knew everything he needed or thought because he immediately communicated it through crying, laughing, excitement, anger, etc. Today the realization hit me that he is no longer a baby. Now he has more self-control. His natural thoughtfulness has also developed to the point that he internalizes a lot of what he feels now. It's good for him to learn to shoulder his challenges himself to some degree. But, I think I miss how much he needed me to help him do it before. I no longer know everything he is thinking or feeling. I just ask and listen and hope that he feels comfortable telling me everything he needs to. I didn't think these kinds of worries would hit me as my son gets ready to turn four. I thought this was something that started in the teenage years.

Game Time!

Preparation for games, meets, and events has always been mostly mental for me. Of course, not every day was game day, so we prepared with regular practices. When it came time to perform, I had to be alone in order to "get in the zone," or, put another way, to anticipate what I would face and work through solutions in my mind. When it comes to being a dad, every day is game day. There is no time for regular anxiety-free practices. Luckily, I still have time to get in the zone while on the train home. If I have to work on the train, I try to take a minute as I walk home from the bus. As the kids grow older and challenge me more and more, this time to refocus becomes more and more essential. When I come home mentally unprepared, I'm certain to quickly lose patience. When I prepare, I can handle days like today. My son was feeling tired and grumpy as side effects of a fun camp out last weekend, so was less willing to share, more prone to complain, and more anxious to roughhouse. My little girl was learning the delay game, wanting to say "good night" to the moon, wanting to sing "Twinkle Little Star," wanting to go back out and kiss her brother, wanting to show me her band-aids, etc. My baby girl was extra fussy due to daylight savings time, and she refused to eat her baby cereal because she wants to eat real food like everyone else. Finally, my wife and I put together our November budget tonight (we're a little behind), which will always be somewhat depressing until we actually have money.

Karma of Nonsense

Our little girl was getting restless and loud at church. By then my wife and I has already tried everything we could think of. Perhaps desperation is the key to ingenuity because for some unknown reason I decided to take a closed marker and gently hold it to her nose, then to my nose, then to her cheek, then to my cheek, etc. She was fascinated, took the marker from me, and repeated what I had just done. Miraculously, this was enough to get us calmly through church. Then, after dinner my wife offered her some ice cream. As my wife was getting our little girl's ice cream ready our little girl said, "Oz cweam, Daddy?" meaning, "Can we make Daddy some ice cream too?" A minute later, she came out of the kitchen carrying two ice cream cones, and with a big smile on her face, she handed me one of them. As I licked the ice cream, she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and asked, "Nummy Daddy?" I'm not sure why she took such good care of me tonight. It may have been coming up with that nonsense game at church or other similar nonsense throughout the rest of the day.

By the way, our son had excellent manners at dinner tonight. Maybe it was something similar to what happened with my little girl. I did make him some cardboard armor after all, including a shield and a sword. Then again, I think this was the other meal my wife makes that he likes.

"Let Me Do What I Can Do!"

We went to pick our son up from the campsite where he was camping with our relatives. We let him do things like that without us because he has really proven himself trustworthy. Perhaps because he was pretty worn out or perhaps because he had enjoyed freedom from his parents for two days, he appeared to be getting pretty demanding. He wanted to play with the flashlight that our nephew was using to see the burgers he was grilling over the embers. I suggested he wait until our nephew was finished with it, but he kept on asking. Again, I told him he should wait until my nephew was finished. He responded, "Let me do what I can do!" At first, I took that to mean, "Let me do whatever I want," as if it were beneath him to submit to our parenting after two days of freedom. Although I can't let him do what he wants all the time, I should probably reduce my micromanaging tendencies a little bit and give him room to do what he can do sometimes. In other words, I should let him try out his own ideas more often, instead of insisting on adherence to my ideas.

He not only deserves more space to do things on his own, he needs that space to develop his own understanding of good ideas and bad ideas, which then leads to greater self-discipline. For example, he also refused to follow a cardinal rule of camping--wear layers. No matter how much his aunt insisted and we asked, he would not do it. So, instead of harping on him, we gave him space to try it his way and see what would happen. He realized quickly, of course, that he was freezing cold as the afternoon progressed into evening. When he told us he was cold and wanted us to solve his problem, we responded that it was his choice to go without a coat and that we are interested in his ideas on how to get warm again. He would quickly say he needed his gloves or a blanket, and he went and got them. He solved his own problems with some space to do what he can do, even if he didn't solve it the way I would have solved it.

Space to do what he can do, should also help him develop greater self-confidence. Micromanaging and criticizing have made him a bit insecure about certain things. In fact, he refuses to try certain things because he's been criticized about it, like driving his cousin's electric toy jeep. He wouldn't even help me drive the real four wheeler we were riding tonight when I invited him to. Another sign that I am too impatient, micromanaging, and critical. It is never my intention to make him insecure. To the contrary, I want him to be confident about himself and confident to try new things. At the end of the night, I asked my wife to remind me when I need to be more patient, stop criticizing, and give him space to do what he can do.

Protection and Persuasion

When I came home from work and opened the door, my daughter excitedly ran up to me yelling, "Daddy!" Trailing behind her was a little boy my wife was watching. He too ran up and excitedly yelled. But before he could reach me, my daughter quickly turned around to face him, spread her arms out to prevent him from reaching me, and yelled, "No! My Daddy!" I love it when my little girl gets protective of her daddy.

Soon thereafter, I began feeding our baby girl her dinner. She likes to close her mouth right as I'm about to put the spoon in it. I'm sure she's hungry, so she must just like to tease me. To persuade her to open her mouth, I had to speak jibberish or make up funny new words to tunes like "Jingle Bells." After several minutes of this, my wife commented that she thought the picture of a lawyer convincing his daughter with baby talk was a funny sight. I wouldn't say "funny." I would say it was just "creative lawyering."

Travel Gifts

Corporate dads have to travel sometimes for work, even in a first year clerkship. We didn't always mind when my dad traveled because he usually came back with gifts from that place. Not only was I excited to get presents, but I enjoyed feeling a part of his work life even when it temporarily took place in another state. NYC is full of souvenir shops, which are usually full of overpriced and useless gifts, at least as far as children as young as mine are concerned. Whether it was a crystal sculpture of the Empire State Building or a stuffed NYC cab or NYPD car, the result would be the same--played with once, then forgotten. I guess the sculpture would probably be broken rather than lost and present a greater risk of injury than the stuffed cars, but my point is that travel gifts can easily become junk. While visiting a bookstore in Brooklyn last night, I found a little board book called, "Good Night New York," featuring a little boy and a little girl who greet various features of NYC, Brooklyn, etc. throughout the day and wish the city a good night at the end. I thought reading it to the kids as a bedtime story when I got home would not only carry on the fun tradition of travel gifts and make my family a part of my travels, it would also (hopefully) last longer and be more meaningful. My impression from reading the book to them tonight was that they loved seeing and learning about where I had been the past four days.

Incomplete Fun

One can visit the most amazing places and experience the most amazing things, but imagine that person had to leave some taste buds behind or wear one earplug or cover one eye. There would be a sense of incompleteness to the experience. (Notice I didn't say anything about a limited sense of smell. In NYC that would be a good thing.) Although my experience in NYC was fun, on Wednesday I had a similar sense of incompleteness without my family there to experience the fun with me. Since being married and having kids, everything is more fun when we can experience it together. My kids would be stunned to see all the tall buildings or the Brooklyn Bridge. My wife would have loved having dinner at a great restaurant like Theresa's. I can't wait until I can take them back with me.

Fun in NYC

It's amazing how fun was redefined once I had a family. My trip to NYC provides a perfect example of the differences. With free time on Tuesday, I wanted to go back into the city to have some fun. As a single college student, fun in NYC consisted of exploring the historical landmarks, libraries, museums, parks, stores, and restaurants. Fun meant being free to do my own thing.  Now that I have a family, the activity I found to be the most fun was shopping for birthday gifts at the toy stores, bookstores, and lotion stores.

M&Ms Never Tasted So Good

As I sit in my hotel in NYC tonight, I can't stop thinking about my kids. It is clear to me that people in my profession in this city think that having three kids at this stage in my life is just plain crazy. Although my wife and I have the same thought sometimes, it doesn't last long. We love the life we chosen to live and couldn't imagine it without the kids. I've been asked, "How did you do go through law school with a family?" I've thought to respond, "How did you go through law school without one?" Confidence is not something you come by easily in law school or a law career, nor is reality. But I find them in abundance at home, where my wife and kids shower me with love and support. It helps me to focus, to plan, and to keep my feet on the ground.

For example, while the craziness of this trip was going on, I kept thinking about something my son did for me before I left. He counted out four Halloween treats and gave them to me. As if that weren't noble enough for a three-year old, he explained that I should eat one for each day of the trip. Then, when they were all gone, I would come home again. Today, I ate the M&Ms. They never tasted so good.