Screamers

I'm not sure if all girls are this way, but mine are. I understand that emotions are big things, probably too big for their little bodies to handle. I just wish their first response to any emotional impulse wasn't screaming. Our baby girl wanted me to open some markers so that she could draw on anything and undoubtedly put it in her mouth. I declined, and she screamed. Our little girl laid the blanket she took from the baby out on her bed. Our son was sat down on one of the corners, and she screamed. At least with her I could remove her from the situation, calm her down, and talk to her. There were other instances as well, usually there are several each day. I love them to pieces, but I can't wait until they grow into their emotions.

The Shock of Calm

Today was a stressful day. So, I was surprised when I found myself following my wife's advise during the moments of drama in our home this evening. First, we excused our son from dinner before our daughters because he finished first. Naturally, he hung out near the table, playing, and distracting his sister, who was only too happy to stop eating and play too. On no less than four occasions, I asked him or told him to move away from his sister and the table while she was eating so as not to distract her. Being a smart boy, and the son of a lawyer, our four-year old tried to excuse himself by trying to distinguish his conduct from the conduct he was sure I meant to prohibit. Surely balancing on the edge of the couch by the dinner table is not the same as playing near the table. Well, whatever distracts his sister is close enough for me. Exasperated, I took a deep breath, excused myself from the table, had him look me in the eyes, and told him very calmly that no matter what he is doing, if it near the table distracting his sister, it is not the right thing to do (although now I wonder whether I said it that clearly). He got it. Second, later on there was an altercation resulting in our daughter crying. She told us that our son hit her. Knowing from his face that he did, I was tempted to put him in time-out right then and there. Instead, I asked him to tell his side of the story and asked him questions about his behavior and what his behavior should have been. If my calm response the first time was a surprise, a calm response the second time was even more so, even to me--his excuses do get old quickly. So, when I told him to sit in time-out, he complied without resistance. I guess being calm and asking the kids questions about their behavior shocked them into compliance. I think I'll try it again tomorrow. I certainly feel less guilty than when I raise my voice and issue commands. I think for my son especially, since he is older and quickly advancing, it makes him feel like we recognize his intelligence.

Double Melt-Down

We should have known that after taking the kids to the beach and returning late that night would take it's toll on our kids, one of whom was sun-burned. It happened during church. The older kids were tired and grumpy and a fight ensued. I took our crying daughter out into the foyer until she calmed down. As we walked back in, our son was crying and my wife was trying to carry the baby and nudge our son out to the foyer. So, we all went out of the chapel and into an empty classroom where the kids calmed down, and my wife and I burst into laughter--that is what we do when we are powerless to do anything else. Several people commented between classes, checking if everything was all right or teasing us a little. At some point I knew we would be that family, you know, the one with the noisy kids at church. Today was our day.

Last Time At Assateague Island

Burning sand greeted our feet and humid heat greeted the rest of our bodies when we returned to Assateague Island for a somewhat sentimental farewell before our upcoming move. It felt like a combination of being fried, baked, broiled, and steamed all at once. As with the activities of last night, the adults were the only ones complaining (except my little girl about burning feet). We caked sunscreen on them and got down to the water as soon as possible. The water was only 65 degrees. The heat got so bad that by the time we were eating lunch, we were also considering returning home. I for one was anxious to end this miserable existence and return to our air-conditioned home. But sweet relief wafted in shortly after lunch. The temperature dropped and a breeze blew. What looked like it would be the worst day ever spent at the beach--ever--turned out to be one of the funnest. Our daughters finally gathered enough courage to walk out to the water without being carried, and our son was more or less body surfing the small waves breaking onto the shore. He's never jumped into the water like that in the previous two visits to the ocean. They are growing up too quickly, and despite my being a stick in the mud at first, we did end out time at the island on a high note.

The Sun Was In My Eyes--Camping

Even the weather can affect fatherhood, hence the title of the post. We went camping this weekend. It was planned in advance, but without advance notice that this would be the hottest, most humid week of the entire summer. Though my wife had everything ready when I came home from work, and we made it to the campsite without any problems, we were hot and sweating no matter what we did. This resulted in much less patience, and even less capacity to reason or filter our words when challenges arose like what to do with the kids in the meantime. Actually, we did have some short tempers both when loading the car, then when unloading. We looked back on it later and realized that we did not know why we'd been so short with each other. "It must have been the heat," we concluded. We were blessed with an overcast and breezy evening which seemed to say, "I'll lighten up on you for the kids's sake." Although there was some measure of chaos getting everyone rinsed off (from sweat) and into bed, we did have a fun evening, especially going to sleep in an air-conditioned camper instead of a tent.

The Small Things

Today seemed full of small things that remind me how much fun it is to be a father:

1. My son peering into my mouth while the dentist cleans my teeth. He was even allowed to use the air sucker to clean out the rinsing water. He loved every second of it, and I loved watching the look of fascination in his face. The hygienist commented, "You must really trust him. That could go up your nose." I couldn't say anything, because her hands were in my mouth, but I thought, "He's earned it." I told him so later.

2. Playing in the mini pool in the backyard with all three of my kids. No matter how reluctant I am to do it, I always feel happy and energetic afterwards. I also feel closer to my kids. My wife even commented, "Wow, you're in a really good mood."

3. Wrestling with the kids before bed. I am not reluctant to do this, but it still has the same result. We are all happier and feel closer. Interestingly, the dental hygienist commented that wrestling with Dad has been shown to stimulate the intellectual development of children. No wonder they're so smart.

4. Reading to them in bed. I especially love my son's questions, my daughter's requests for one last book right after I read the last one last book she requested, and my baby girl backing into my lap to start reading and later sitting right back down on my lap when I stand her up to get everyone ready for bed as if to say, "Hey, I'm not done yet."

It truly is fun to be a father.

Heavy-Weight Worries

I am not sure why I feel more relief staring into space and thinking about the logistics of the upcoming move than I do taking my anxieties out on playing with the kids. But that is what I did. In addition, I took a phone call regarding our move shortly after starting to read books with my son at bedtime. My son waited patiently with his head on my lap. Then it became too much for him and he began asking me to get off the phone. I had a friend once tell me that she was an escapist reader--the more there was to do, the more she read instead. I think I am an escapist organizer--the more there is to do, the more I organize and plan things. That may not sound so bad, except that we are to the point where most things we have to do right now are done and I am just repeating those efforts. In other words, I escape through ineffective labor. But it's the fact that I'm laboring that makes me feel better. It's a little sick, I know. But know that I've pinpointed the problem, I can get back to playing with the kids next time.

Lost Puppy

After such a great weekend with the kids and missing them while at work yesterday, I was excited to be able to stay home again today while the family went back and forth to doctor appointments. The morning was a blast, playing together. As the afternoon came on, however, I began to feel really tired and anxious to get back to work. I started wandering around the house looking for things to do instead of playing with the kids, not because I didn't want to play with them, but because I was anxious to accomplish some work. I'm sure my wife didn't mind the extra help, but it was probably a little funny to watch her husband wandering around like a lost puppy.

Back to Real Life

The transition back to real life has been tough. We didn't want to leave this morning, and my son really had a hard time with it, though I couldn't tell if he really didn't want me to go or really just wanted to go to McDonald's right away. I had promised that if we had a good week while Mommy was gone, we could go to McDonald's for family night. Either way, he wouldn't let go of me and he screamed. But coming home I felt greater patience than I usually would after work. I hope that quality sticks. Ironically, my wife was feeling like she'd been hit with a Mack truck (which is usually how I feel when I'm through with a work day). The restaurant was just what the doctor ordered. Two tired parents, no dishes.

Mr. Mom: Day Four

It's hand-off time, and it's a little bitter sweet. Sweet because we all really missed the real mom, especially me. Bitter because now the kids' favorite is back and I am not the principle source of comfort and fun or the principle object of snuggles. I have to share the good as well as the tough. This morning was a headache getting ready for church, and if it weren't for some friends in the congregation who were willing to sit with us and help with the kids, I may have lost it. It's funny, one whole good week with the kids and the only time I was tempted to lose my temper was during a one-hour church meeting. I regrouped quickly and really gave the last full measure of love and patience until my wonderful wife made it home right before dinner. When she arrived, the kids exploded with a new sense of energy and it was difficult to get some order out of chaos enough to have dinner, books, and bedtime. But we loved the time together. I am especially proud this week of keeping my temper during the whole four days. The kids deserve a lot of the credit. Next to that, I am proud that the house was clean, dinner prepared, and everything in proper order when my wife returned home. I've become quite domestic. In fact, I was a little protective of the house at first and found it a little difficult to hand back over the reigns. My wife commented how surprised she was when noticing certain things. That does a lot for a man's pride. In short, we had a successful week, and I feel so much closer to my kids. I think I will miss being able to focus only on them. Maybe someday I will be lucky enough to be a stay-at-home dad.

Mr. Mom: Day Three

I've heard runners discuss that point where there bodies want to give up--the wall. I think all of us have hit that point today. I'm tired of the pace. I have to sprint back and forth to accomplish in one day an eight of what my wife can accomplish in a day with her eyes closed. I wonder if she is secretly an octopus. To give you an idea of how tired we are, I woke up at 8 am, as did my son, but the girls woke up at 8:15 am with some coaxing with the toddler. Coaxing was also required to get the girls up from naps, again mostly with the toddler. It may seem strange, but I think part of the reason the kids are so tired is that they have to put in extra effort to help Daddy in his effort to be Mommy. I think they are subconsciously pulling some of the weight of having no Mommy around. My oldest daughter, for example, has checked up on me several times during the week to make sure that when they get a treat or a drink or something I've gotten one too. Several times she's asked, "Are you hungry too?" or "Did you get your water?" I think she's noticed that I often don't eat and drink with them, unless it's family dinner. I find it easiest to eat either before or after them when I'm watching them. Ultimately, we had a fun day, and the kids again gave me their vote of approval on my temper. We started with two-and-a-half hours at the park--the only park I've ever seen that I'm sure was designed by someone with kids because it was completely shaded. The kids showed off all the tricks they've learned with Mommy. Daddy also pushed them higher on the swings then Mommy would approve, but they liked it. We had a picnic lunch, complete with gnats. After our eldest's quiet time, while the girls were busy napping, my son and I did some science experiments from a kit given to him by my mother-in-law. We got a little carried away and used up all the remaining ingredients to see what would happen. Nothing blew up but we got some cool chemical reactions. I had to use some extra baking soda and vinegar--sorry, Honey, I couldn't help myself. We did some reading practice, mostly on blends. Then we had a good sword fight. The kids did have a little bit of a melt-down this evening, fighting over toys. It was clearly because they were too tired to control themselves any longer. I quickly warmed up the spaghetti dinner they refused to eat yesterday and encouraged them through dinner, ice cream, and bath, to try to be happy so that we could have a family movie night. Toward the beginning of the movie I cleaned, then put the baby to bed. I would normally let her have popcorn with the older kids but I was too tired to deal with the mess and the problems caused by her incessant swiping. Once she was in bed and the cleaning was done, the kids got their popcorn, finished the movie, potty and teeth, a book, and finally bed. I tried to encourage my son to sleep in my bed tonight. He was confused. I explained that I've enjoyed the extra time I've had with him so much that I think I will miss it when Mommy comes back. Alas, he wanted his own bed and completely missed the sentimentality of it all. He did sneak back downstairs and changed his mind only to change it back again before I could lay him down on my bed. Boy am I glad Mommy will be back tomorrow, but I am also grateful that I've been able to be Mr. Mom for a few days. I say this now because I have a feeling that taking them to church tomorrow will not be as good of an experience--then again, I've been pleasantly surprised three days in a row already. And to ensure that my wife, who can never leave home when she leaves home, can enjoy herself, we left voice messages and sent pictures and texts to let her know that things have not fallen apart with me in charge. We love you, Mommy, and look forward to having you back tomorrow night. Now I'm going to shave--first time in three days.

Mr. Mom: Day Two

It's hard to pretend on a blog that I really experienced being a Mr. Mom when the kids were out with friends all day long. I did get a lot of packing done, however. When the kids came home in the afternoon, all of us were tired, so I caved in with dinner. We had cereal. The kids were insisting and were tired beyond all reason. And I was too tired to put up much resistance despite the fact that I'd already made spaghetti and steaming broccoli. Judging from the amount they ate--which was about 3 times what they eat for breakfast--I think their bodies require something more substantial for dinner. I did make them eat some of the steamed broccoli. They also had orange juice. And two girls had some grilled chicken too. I'm sorry, Honey. I will be more firm about tomorrow's dinner. On a sad note, as I was cleaning up the kitchen and the kids were playing soccer downstairs, my oldest girl wanted to show everyone how well she could kick the ball but everyone kept right on with what they were doing. She finally drooped her head and shoulder and whimpered despondently, "Why won't anyone listen to me?" It was too much. I immediately dropped what I was doing and watched. It cheered her right away. She tugs at my heart strings like nobody else, and she knows it. I think the highlight of my day was a realization I had when talking to my wife on the phone. I told her that it is hard to balance two worlds most of the time because it requires switching in and out of mindsets, one for work and one for home. But being a full-time dad has been a lot of fun. I can focus exclusively on them. I feel a lot closer to them, especially knowing they are exercising a lot of patience with a Mommy impostor. I told my wife that I can see why being a stay-at-home mom is so fulfilling. There is a lot of satisfaction in caring for my kids and spending time together every day, not to mention a lot of satisfaction looking back on the day and realizing you survived. In fact, a couple came to look at our apartment this afternoon with a realtor and they asked what my wife does, I promptly replied, "She is a very busy stay-at-home mom, the most important job there is. Much more important that a lawyer, which is what I am."

Mr. Mom: Day One

My wife is gone for 4 days to spend time with her sisters. I am Mr. Mom. I've never been the full-time, stay-at-home parent for that long. I've been so worried about this all week that I felt worn-out before the 4 days ever started. Today began with the toddler falling off of her bed at 6:30 am. She was fine and went back to bed, but she woke the baby, who decided to stay awake. When the toddler did wake up, she had an accident. While the other two had breakfast downstairs, I cleaned up the puddle and the girl. But the first few hours of the day were deceptively chaotic. The kids were angels the rest of the day. Now I'm worried they were deceptively cooperative. They swam in the morning. We also built a fort and wrestled. During nap time, my son and I built an awesome snake using 300 blocks. When the girls woke up, we all went swimming in the back-yard pool. My wife had me make an easy dinner that they love. Despite starting late because of early baths, we finished with plenty of time for me to clean the kitchen and read the kids almost all the books they could ever want before bed. You can tell when they got all the books they want when they willingly go to bed. And, the highlight of the evening was that I told my kids my goal of not losing my temper while Mommy was gone, and they unanimously voted that I had succeeded in keeping my temper today.

*As a side-note, I am confused by people who downplay stay-at-home parents. Seeing what my wife does every day, I am definitely a proponent and defender of stay-at-home parents. Now experiencing more of what she does every day (no wonder she stays so skinny), I am now their greatest admirer.

End From Beginning

There are days, like today, where a little cloud looms over my head. I couldn't really shake it. It could be that my wife is leaving for four days, during which time I will be Mr. Mom. It could be that it was overcast and rainy for part of the day. It could be that it was a slow day. Or, it could just be that I'm in limbo, between two worlds, nearing the end of my clerkship and packing up to begin my career at a law firm. The latter is probably compounded by the fact that I do not remember much about the area of law I will be practicing at the firm and that I still have an uneasy feeling about billable hours expectations and time with family. If my life were a book, I think I'd be seriously tempted right now to read the last page or at least skip a couple of chapters ahead to see how things turned out. My problem is that I want to know the end from the beginning, that I want to get from A to B as quickly as possible, and that I don't slow down to enjoy the experience of travelling there. I realize that if I am not careful, I'll reach my destination with an armful of achievements and a soul void of character. This realization helps me to step back, examine these more challenging days, and ask, "What can I learn from this? What kind of person can I become through this?" Unfortunately, it takes me until 9:15 pm to start asking these questions.