The Transition Home

Work is like a stray dog. It is a homeless thing that we might look at it lovingly and enjoy, dispassionately and endure, or spitefully and taunt. But when we're finally done with it, it tends to follow us home. At least that's how I felt on the bus this evening. No matter how much I tried to "shoo" it out of my mind, it kept coming back. It's especially difficult mid-project to snap out of it when I get home and give my wife and kids my full attention. When my mind is split between the two, I'm naturally distracted and impatient. But, I can't say I wasn't warned. Prior to law school, I worked at a law firm and was told that one of the biggest challenges I would face as a corporate husband and father is leaving work at work and being home when I'm home. The transition from work to home would not be easy, and there would be times when I wouldn't be able to sever the two, perhaps even choosing work over home. But, the ability to do it would come if I made a conscious daily effort. It starts as a choice, develops into a habit, and finally becomes an aspect of my character.

I took that advice as a challenge, and set a goal prior to law school to be home for family dinner every night (with exceptions on rare occasions, subject to my wife's veto power). Keeping that goal has made it easier for me to switch gears when I come home or to decline unnecessary distractions from family dinner and evenings together (a practice I'm confident helps professionals draw appropriate ethical lines as well--a post for another day). However, I've still got a long way to go before I would consider it a character trait.

Get the Bad Guys

My wife needed to go to the grocery store, and, consistent with our "divide and conquer" approach to parenting, decided to take our toddler while I put the other two to bed. Our son was jealous, resulting in some bribery involving ice cream and a promise to play "get the bad guys" together in order to convince him to stay (apparently, time alone with me isn't very appealing without these kinds of incentives).  But, as frequently happens, time got away from us. He got his ice cream (so did I), but by the time I finished bathing, feeding, and tucking in the baby, it was too late to start a game of "get the bad guys." Then, the memory of a lecture I recently gave my son about keeping his promise to eat dinner flashed through my mind. Though time at night to get personal things done is truly valuable, a promise kept is even more so. So, armed with a stuffed sword and a construction helmet, I teamed up with my son, who wielded his trusty green recorder and a foam shield, and together we fought the bad guys. It was actually a lot of fun. There's nothing like winning a battle to help you sleep well at night.

Give Them an Inch . . .

. . . And they'll probably surprise you. The terms "self restraint" and "three-year old" don't usually go together, but when our toddler started wrestling with our three-year old, my wife and I decided to sit back and see how our three-year old was going to handle it. He could easily throttle her if he got angry or just too excited. Instead, he let her climb all over him. When he did wrestle back, he was surprisingly mindful of her limits. It wasn't fair to him that she would dish it and not take it, but I think he'll find that the additional trust we have in him will more than pay him back for it.

Itsy Bitsy Spider and Family Traditions

My toddler and I have a special relationship. I am possessive of the responsibility of putting her to bed at night. I do not give it up lightly. Tonight was especially sweet. While holding her and rocking back and forth, we said her prayer and sang a few songs. However, when I moved to lay her down, her grip suddenly tightened. She doesn't usually do that, so I assumed she wanted more songs. We sang another song, and when I moved to lay her down, she tightened her grip again. Reluctantly, she let me lay her down, but she didn't want me to leave the room. Again, a little unusual. Then, she held up her two little hands and touched her little fingers together in an upward motion. It was the signal for "Itsy Bitsy Spider." As I sang the song and did the motions, I could see, even in the dark, her giddy little face loving every minute of it. Then, and only then, was she willing to go to sleep.

This is one of several special moments that have filled our extended weekend (I had today off for Columbus Day since I work for the Federal Government). Although it is true that the little things we do to establish a good routine and teach positive things in our home make an almost imperceptible difference from day to day, there are traditions we establish for special occasions, like holidays seem to have an almost immediate and tangible effect on our family. Today, for example, we followed a Fall tradition of going to a farm in the country and riding a tractor out to the pumpkin patch to pick one pumpkin for each member of the family. We were in no hurry to do anything but enjoy our time there, looking at the animals, having a picnic, picking apples and pumpkins, riding the tractor, and enjoying a beautiful hilly countryside full of colorful fall trees. We were in such a good mood when we came home that there was absolutely no fighting--no fighting! This tradition made for a memorable experience together, something that I hope will stay with our kids as they get older.

Plan to Have No Plan

There are moments of clarity, like today, where a corporate dad realizes that impatience is really a reaction to unmet expectations. If nothing else, that is a good reason to have a day, like today, to have no expectations, to plan to have no plans. The result is that my relationship with each of my kids, whose needs are so different, is renewed and strengthened with unimpeded individual, sincere, and spontaneous interaction. The result is a reminder that, apart from my wife, my kids are my closest friends. There are moments of clarity, like today, where a corporate dad realizes that one day to be entirely at their disposal is a small investment with tremendous returns.

Take Two

My poor wife observed an argument this morning between me and my three-year old son. I won, but felt pretty silly about it. It wasn't that I was wrong in principle, it was that I was embarrassed by my approach. After the argument, I asked my wife, "What would you think if someone secretly video recorded an argument like this with one of the kids then played it back to you?" I asked rhetorically because I have the misfortune of an automatic replay mechanism in my mind that was instantly triggered when I noticed my wife watching. I thought I looked pretty childish. The replay continued running through my mind in the early afternoon while I was getting frustrated with our baby for grabbing at the spoon I was using to feed her the drippy, messy baby food. By the time the kids were napping, I had two embarrassing episodes of me acting childish and impatient replaying in my mind. It was somewhat haunting.

Luckily, I had much better moments with each of the kids. Later in the afternoon, for example, I took my son to the dinosaur museum as a treat for filling his listening chart. It was fun to sit back and let him enjoy what he wanted to. He loved the T-Rex skull, the sharp shark teeth, and the flying fish. It was also funny to see how much he enjoyed playing on the train, the handrails at the station, and the bike racks. As I end the day, the two negative episodes have been replaced by much more positive ones.

 

"Why Are You Acting So Bossy Today?"

This evening was not a typical one. I came home from work knowing that tonight I would know if I passed the Bar exam. However, we were also hosting our neighbors for dinner. So, my wife and I scrambled to get everything ready. When they arrived, we scrambled to get the kids dinner so that the adults could talk. Dinner ended pretty late, so then we scrambled to clean up and get the kids ready for bed. Since our three-year old has become more independent and helpful, and since I was anxious to get through the night and check my score, I asked him to do a bunch of things to help during the preparing, entertaining, clean-up, and bed time. I say "asked," but I must have forgotten to use my magic words because he eventually asked me, "Daddy, why are you acting so bossy today?"

On the one hand, I wasn't sure how to react to hearing my son say that. On the other hand, he asked so sincerely that I knew he wasn't just mouthing off. It really concerned him. I actually felt a little better knowing that, if my anxious and bossy behavior was concerning him now, I must not be doing it all the time anymore. I told him he was right, that I was being bossy, and that I was sorry. I also told him "thank you" for being so helpful. I'm amazed at how much my kids can teach me if I listen.

As a side note to this story (though a keynote of my day), I was finally able to check my score around 10 pm. I passed the Bar exam!

I've Got My Toes To Suck On

The end of the day is always chaotic. The kids are usually climbing all over my wife, who is busily preparing dinner, while our baby sits in her bouncy seat fussing for food and a nap. It is a hard time of day. Coming home today, I happened to glance through our kitchen window to see my wife and kids dancing to music. I went in and was greeted with the usual "toddler charge" to the battle cry of "Daddy's home!" Through kisses, hugs, and show and tell, I made it into the kitchen to greet my beautiful wife. She told me they were dancing to entertain the baby, who was getting fussy.

Finally I turned to our baby girl, who was quietly sitting in her bouncy seat in the corner and smiling at me. Feeling badly, I picked her up and took her with me to put my stuff away and get ready for dinner. When I laid her on the bed, she immediately popped her big toe into her mouth and looked at me in her characteristically sweet and patient way that seemed to say, "I'm fine now, Daddy. I've got my toes to suck on."

Her patience and sweetness during chaotic moments is more than appreciated. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts, knowing that if she follows in her sister's footsteps she'll soon have personality, opinions, and volume to spare. When that day comes, and the chaos in our family goes up yet another level, I will probably miss the days when they could just lay there and quietly suck on their toes.

Crashing Family Prayer

Before we put the kids to bed, we have family prayer on our bed. Our two-year old sometimes cooperates and kneels down with us and folds her arms, but just as often, she doesn't cooperate at all. Tonight was somewhere in-between. She kept purposefully sliding off of the bed and running around as we read books. When it was prayer time, I lifted her back onto the bed. Right away, she scooted back over to the edge to slide off. As her feet were dangling off the side, she heard us ask her to get ready for prayer and sweetly folded her arms (feet still dangling). The second the prayer ended, she suddenly slipped off the bed and crashed onto the floor. Our first reaction was to laugh (we need to work on that). When we regained our composure, we (including our oldest) peeked over the edge to find our little girl still sitting there on the ground looking a little shocked. The sight of our three heads peaking over the side of the bed must have struck her as funny because she burst into laughter too.

They say a family that prays together stays together. I interpret that maxim broadly so as to include just being in the same room together while the prayer is said, which is the best we can do at this point. Even if meaningful participation from the kids falls far short of the ideal, at least there are moments like this one that let us laugh about it together.

Mental Stimulation

I'm going to pick up from yesterday's post. They say that one of the biggest factors in the mental development of children is family dinner. After my wife taught the kids how to pick up graham crackers with their tongues for dessert, I'm convinced it's true. That's why I try never to miss it.

Preschool and Competitive Parenting

I'm hesitant to publish this post lest anyone think we are stuck up parents. But, our son came home from preschool frustrated that his teacher is not teaching him letters, numbers, etc. or using worksheets. These are things we frequently do at home, things that he loves. We probably left him with the impression that that is what he would be doing at school. We spent much of our night talking about what to do. Should we take him out? Should we try to put him in the older age group?

Have you ever heard of competitive parenting? It started for me when our eldest was just a baby and we began teaching him the alphabet during bath time. The first book I read to him was Paradise Lost. I wanted more than the best for him; I wanted him to be the best--at everything. The alarming nature of this competitive spirit did not fully dawn on me until my son had a break away in his first three-year old soccer game and missed the goal. I actually felt disappointed in him. I was shocked at myself. What's the big deal? I scared myself with the thought that I would be "that parent" who pushed their kids so hard at everything that they ended up disliking it. I quickly backed off and just let my son have fun. By the second season he lost interest in scoring and became passionate about being goalie. We let him experiment, and he was great at it. Several times he'd save a goal then run off the field yelling, "Daddy, I blocked the goal!" He'd even ask me to practice with him at home. I'm scared to think what would have happened if I would have continued in competitive parenting.

Ultimately, our conversation about preschool ended the same way. Although it is not Harvard (though paying tuition makes it file like it should be), there are some important things preschool can teach him as long as his parents don't get in the way. He needs to develop interpersonal skills, and, at the very least, he needs to learn to finish what he's started and to grow where he's planted. Even though we cringe at the thought of paying tuition for this, we decided to focus on helping him take advantage of the education this preschool has to offer and to supplement the rest at home. I think he will come home one of these days with the same excitement he had when he discovered for himself the joy of playing goalie.

The Brown Badge of Courage

Anyone with kids knows that Sunday is a day of rest in some respects but not others, especially if you're really trying to pay attention to whomever is teaching from the pulpit. Almost every effort at a rejuvenating Sabbath seems thwarted by children who act mortally wounded by our momentarily divided attention. Parents in this situation could persuasively argue that they feel figuratively pooped on.

The phrase took on a different meaning for me when I handed our baby girl to my wife and noticed poop on my suit pants. I've heard of it happening to fathers before, but in my almost four years as a father, it's never happened to me. I guess this is sort of a fatherly badge of courage--the brown badge of courage (sorry Stephen Crane).

Trip with My Toddler Day 4--Learning from Day 1

The road home was much longer and harder than the road here: 9 hours in a car back to the airport, 2 hours on the plane back to DC, and 1 more hour in the car from the airport home.

Thanks to my impatience on the first day of travel, I was more careful in my efforts on the way home to trick her into thinking that 12 hours buckled into something was fun. I even tricked myself, though I'm not anxious to do it again. If you assume a two-year old's attention span per activity is 5 minutes max, then to entertain her for over 12 hours requires only 144 activities. Here are some of the things she enjoyed the most:

-Reading all of her favorite books as many times as she wants.
-Having me sincerely listen and respond to everything she says--I mean everything.
-Picking all the games, including tickling Daddy and calling all the cows doggies just to tease me.
-Asking me "what's dat?" and having me explain every blade of grass from Kansas City to Chicago.
-Blowing my nose, her nose, and the dolly's nose with the tissues.
-Playing with my hat.
-Pulling my water bottle out of my mouth.
-Feeding me her snacks.

-Pushing all of the elevator buttons in the airport.

-Riding the automatic walkways.

-Eating dinner while not at the dinner table.

-Pushing the dolly in her stroller, though she was not entirely successful dodging other people.

-Trapeze swinging from my arms while waiting to board the plane.

-Playing with the trays, light switches, air-flow knobs, etc.
-Pushing my arm off of the arm rest.

Trip with My Toddler Day 3--Jumping and Dancing

Five more hours in the car from the wedding location to the reception location. At the wedding location, the hotel was on a small main street of a small town, which put us close to shops, a playground, a garden, and other fun things to do. At the reception location, the hotel was on the corner of a busy street with nothing nearby but other hotels.

So, what do you do with a restless toddler when there is nothing to do? We jumped on the hotel bed, of course. My daughter couldn't get enough of it. We jumped and bounced and wrestled for nearly an hour.

Eventually, we got ready for the reception. I think this was my favorite part of the weekend. Not only were my brother and his new bride beaming, but I finally got to dance all night with my daughter. She insisted on dancing on the dance floor for much of the night as well. She loved it when I would perform her dance moves with her. Of course, she began to tire and snuggled up to me on my shoulder with her thumb in her mouth for the remaining dances of the night. I loved every minute of it.