Blue Lips

Our son is getting older and has demonstrated tremendous maturity and obedience. So, after visiting friends left, we attempted a practice they have at bed time. After they put their kids to bed, they let them read in their beds until they either fall asleep or let them know they are ready to go to sleep. It worked well the first night. But last night was not so great. We heard a lot of movement and noise in our son's room. Apparently he thought he could get out of bed and do whatever he wanted. Eventually he came down to tell us he was ready to go to bed. Because he has a great sense of humor, he wanted to surprise Mommy by sneaking down and hiding in a corner to surprise her. It almost worked. I missed it but thought the idea was funny so I let him explain it to me before he went back up to bed. I fully intended to congratulate him on his cleverness, until I spotted something: blue lips. I asked him about it. He said he'd eaten some candy and tried to excuse himself by saying he'd brushed his teeth again afterwards. I looked at Mommy--the two of us understood what we needed to do. Calmly, she led him back upstairs and explained to him that we can no longer trust him to have his candy in his room. He was heart-broken, more that we were disappointed in him and lost some trust in him than about the candy. We explained that it was good to feel bad. It teaches us when things are wrong, like disobeying parents and trying to hide it from them. Then we told him that if he makes a mistake he doesn't need to hide it from us. If he does, that bad feeling will only get worse. The only way to make that feeling go away is to tell us the truth right away. And we promised that we wouldn't get made if he did. I thought we did a pretty good job of practicing what we were preaching in this instance. We've tried to explain all this before by having the kids wear backpacks and filling them with books until they became too heavy to bear. This is the first outrightly dishonest thing he's ever done. It surprised us. In a way, we are proud of him for lasting this long. We are also grateful that he feels terrible when he's lost our trust. On the other hand, it confirms my suspicion that we are only just beginning the adventure of parenthood and it will only get tougher.

Another Use for Daddy's Arms

Every boy loves to be Spider-Man, but not every boy can shoot spider webs. My son, however, can. When he presses his make-believe button on his wrist, out comes a sticky spider web in the form of Daddy's arm. He points and I stick out my arm for him to grab. Then I swing him across the room. From the look in his eyes I knew that any dad who can help his son be more like the real Spider Man is pretty cool. It made me feel pretty cool.

It's Not So Bad

Today started badly. We slept it. Our daughter had an accident. I got to work late. There were several hiccups at work--kind of an oddity at this point. Then I had to stay late to make up the time. That means I get home late. That means I eat late. And usually, that means that the kids have bath time and bedtime late. My wife had a similarly "off" day. I think that's what helped me decide that it's not all that bad. Although I was tired and had some packing to do, I tried to make the evening about the kids. I was determined not to bark out commands or to get impatient. We had a fun evening, and all of the craziness of the first part of the day disappeared as our kids went to bed with smiles on their faces.

A Constant Whisper

Throughout history and even today, many fathers have relied upon their sons as counselors, assistants, friends, and confidants, including John Adams (a tradition passed through to his descendants), Brigham Young, and others. As I read about these men and see the communication and relationships they had with their sons, I see more than the continual reproof and commands that are so characteristic of tired and busy fathers. I've noticed that they confide in their sons, confer trust in them, express confidence in them, and keep them informed of their lives and their work. I doubt whether all of that began when their sons were four-years old, then again maybe it did. I feel a constant whisper asking me, "What do you want your son to become?" In my mind I answer, "A man of God, a friend, and a counselor. Then it asks, "Is that how you are raising him?" In my mind I answer, "That is a good question. I don't know." There are many days where we do take time to talk, where I listen, or to play or experience things together. There are also moments when I do confide in him and confer trust in him and express confidence in him. Then I cringe as memories of impatient demands and sharp commands and reproofs, most of which were undeserved and stemmed from selfishness, comes to mind. Moments like those, I feel, sabotage my ultimate goal. Those are the kinds of moments that break down rather than build confidence. I am grateful they are not too frequent. My wife would say I'm too hard on my self. That's probably true. One thing I am certain of, however, is that the key ingredient to enjoying that kind of relationship with my son in the future is to treat our relationship now as I envision it to be then, even with a four-year old.

What We Signed Up For

A co-worker is scared to death of having children. Interestingly, she would be a fish out of water if her life were free of chaos-I tell her that her life seems like her desk. Yet, she is scared of the labor-intensive eternal investment called parenting. And it is labor intensive. With friends in town, we took the train to a museum, fought through the crowds, and made it out safely with tired kids. Two kids fit in the double stroller, but another tripped and fell. So, I carried him on my back while pushing the double stroller as we walked a significant distance to a train stop-my friends had their hands full too. My co-worker crossed my mind a couple of times. Then we all went out to dinner. My son turned to me and asked, "Why are parents so bossy sometimes?" I said, "I don't know. I guess we forget that you don't understand that we have a schedule to keep sometimes." Then I asked, "Why do kids ask so many questions?" He responded, "I don't know. I think we're just curious." Thus, the labor is both physical and mental, and of course emotional. Is there an adequate way to describe it to my co-worker? It would probably scare her more. I did tell her, however, that we choose our investments. And we typically labor diligently to make them grow. A career is wonderful, social position is good, but to me a family is the best investment of all, the only one that is eternal, and worth every ounce of labor we put into it. I don't know if as much could be said of the other investments out there.

What Was Lost?

During our year here we've been knee deep in our nation's history. I had the opportunity today to visit the Capitol. I saw statuary hall, the rotunda, and the old Supreme Court room. I couldn't help but think about the heritage upon which this country was built. It was everywhere around me: faith in God, peaceful debate and transfers of power, representation in government, embracing diversity as a strength. Then I witnessed a House of Representatives debate between Rep. Eric Cantor (R. VA) and Rep. Steny Hoyer (D. MD) about the budget. It was a demonstration of constitutional principles to be sure, but its subject matter reflected the sad fact that much of our nation's heritage has been lost. Why are we in the situation we are in? This blog is not the place for the answer to that question. However, I couldn't help thinking about the world I'm growing up in and the world my children are growing up in. I wonder if I am teaching my children the kind of hard work, sacrifice, and integrity that my parents showed me and which has been my family's legacy. I also wonder if I am able to teach them to be patriotic and to understand the inspired legacy of this country. I think our year here has convinced me that regardless of what schools teach or fail to teach, I need to ensure that my children know that this country began and continues under the hand of God and to patriotically preserve this country's heritage.

"I Wanna Be Stinky Too!"

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a good enough dad that my kids look up to me or want to be like me. Especially now that I'm prone to being less fun and more stressed while thinking about the upcoming move. The answer came unexpectedly as we were getting ready for bed. The bedtime routine begins with a song, a scripture, and a family prayer, then we get the kids to bed individually. As we were sitting down to begin my daughter sat by my wife and my son sat by me (our baby girl just wandered around). My wife decided to tease the boys and said, "Those boys are stinky." My daughter replied, "Ha! The boys are stinky. I wanna be stinky too!" Then she ran over here to sit with me. I must be cool if I am stinky and my daughter still wants to be like me.

Distant Move

My wife told me this evening that I seemed a little distant. I don't think I was as engaged with the kids as I normally would be. It has been about a week since we've done any packing for the move coming up in a month, and I looked around at all that we still had to do. I think I clicked into "duty mode," which is a mode that men tend to get into when they get stressed. Their minds are consumed by one thought: "I need to accomplish something." So strong is that impulse that nothing else seems to matter--playing with the kids, or even disciplining the kids. Oddly, although I was less connected, I wasn't as strict. I think it was because I either didn't notice or I didn't have the mental capacity to deal with it. Thankfully, I held it together until the kids were in bed, then made sure to progress to a satisfying point in the packing. I guess it's true that men only have the emotional capacity of a tea spoon (Harry Potter reference).

Dinner Feeding

This post is not about feeding the kids food at dinner but about them feeding off of each other at dinner. Our son wiggled off his high chair and hit his head pretty hard. Despite the fact that was crying, our daughter thought it was funny and tried to do it too. Our son stopped crying and was about to try it again, but we were finally able to talk some sense into them.

Independence Day

How do you explain the significance of the 4th of July to children under four-years old? I feel strongly that our nation's independence is based on our first Constitutional right: freedom of religion. They understand from Medieval Times what a king is, so I told them that all countries had a king, but none of the kings would allow people to worship God the way they felt was right. So they came to this country and became free. With Mt. Vernon fresh in their minds, I was also able to tell them about the men, including Washington, who established this country. In addition, we wore red, white, and blue, watched fireworks, called today "America's birthday," and looked for American flags all day. I imagine that is about as good as it gets at this age. To be honest, I was a little disappointed with the low number of American flags flying, and I hope our children will grow up to be very patriotic.

Mosquitophobes and Fireworks

Talk about a kill-joy. We are in muggy Baltimore for the 4th of July and planned to see a fireworks show tonight. In the back of my mind I was concerned about getting eaten up by mosquitoes. Nobody hates them more than me. That always surprises me. Am I the only one that thinks that having my blood involuntarily sucked out and dealing with an itchy bump that was left behind invasive? To make matter worse, it rained a little, making tonight the perfect evening for mosquitoes to come out and feast on us while we try to enjoy the fireworks show. My kids were looking forward to the fireworks, but I was tempted to stay home or in the car. Of course, I told my wife about this outside earshot of the kids so that they wouldn't know what a wimp I am. Ultimately, I armed myself with bug spray (and applied it generously to myself and the kids) and took the kids. I'm glad I did. The show was great. The view was great. Sharing that fun experience with the kids and watching their awe-struck faces was great. And the mosquitoes, well, they didn't even show up.

Why Dad Gets Grumpy? Hypothesis, etc.

Now, I'm not a grumpy person, but I do get grumpy sometimes. The reason I usually give my wife is, "I don't know." But that answer was always very unsatisfying to both of us. She wanted to know, and I'm sure my kids did too, but I usually just wanted to be alone and grumpy for a while, until now. So, I thought about it, and we talked about it. It turns out that talking about things helps. Eventually I came to the conclusion that a man needs a sense of accomplishment, meaning he is challenged at work and providing for his family at home. I don't feel that sense right now, mainly because I have not yet provided my family with a place to live when move at the close of the term. We are still looking. We feel unsettled. Work is also slowing down a little now that all of the oral arguments, except for one interlocutory appeal, are through and almost all of the opinions are out. We're in limbo, which has never been a happy place for us, and it has never been helpful to my need to feel as though I am accomplishing something. It's a little refreshing to pin-point this mood swing I get. Hopefully it will lengthen the fuse during those otherwise grumpy moments.

I couldn't close the post without mentioning a few other things:

First, few things make a dad feel cooler than when his four-year old son states, "Dad, I have a hypothesis." In this case, what he really had was a question, but I thought it was amazing either way.

Second, this same son figured out a why to get a toy back from his baby sister, who continually takes the other kids' toys and has enough attitude to fight them off when they try to get it back. When this happened in the car today, he gave her a snack for each hand, causing her to drop the toy. Brilliant!

Third, while I was a grump this evening, our little girl asked her mom to read her a book. They wanted to ask me if they could read together without any other kids--since there are three kids, two of whom are girls, our little girl never gets to read with one of us alone--but when they wanted to bring up the idea to me I was busy with something and was too grumpy to listen to the idea. I still feel bad.

Fourth, my son remembers everything. We read a knight book. We only have one. But he remembered three other books from our very large collection of children's books that had one or two pictures of knights in the whole book. Each books has tons of pictures. It is still a mystery where he got that kind of memory.

Fifth, my little girl put me in my place today. Her big brother was tired of walking around Mt. Vernon and took over the stroller. Our little girl wanted to push the stroller with him in it on a dirt path. Impossible. Or so I thought. I continued helping her push the stroller despite her protests, but it was no use. She was persistent. So I tried to teach her a lesson by letting her push the stroller. At first she couldn't budge it. But she wasn't about to let Daddy win this one. This little determined two-year old somehow did it. She pushed it for about 10 feet, just long enough to put me in my place.

Sixth, I felt a strange sense of accomplishment when, after sticking out my tongue several times and saying, "tongue," my baby girl stuck her tongue out in response. The little things seem to have the greatest impact on me. The things my kids do always make me feel so fulfilled and happy, especially when the same baby girl woke up from her nap and, using her new skill of sticking out her tongue, licked her Mommy's cheek like a little puppy.

Cute Disobedience

This is a problem. My baby girl stands right up in her crib when I lay her down for bed. Usually she cries too. I was able to resolve the crying issue by patting on the mattress and encouraging her to lay down. At first she would cry and try to get me to pick her up, then she realized I wouldn't do it and would lay down. Now she won't lay down. Instead, when I pat the mattress and encourage her to lay down, she backs up to the furthest side of the crib, puts her arms down behind her, and grips the bars for dear life. Then she vigorously shakes her head "no," and says "na uh." Just watching my tiny, two-foot tall baby girl so determined to resist me undermines my ability to be strict because it's just too cute. Even her roommate older sister thinks it's hilarious. We were both cracking-up at bedtime.

Daddy's Night Out With Friends

June 30, 2011--I can't remember the last time I went out by myself with friends. I guess I would do it more, but it's just not as much fun and being home with my wife and kids. There was an alumni event in the city that we could not both attend. I went with two other recent graduates from the law school who work in DC and with whom I frequently have lunch. I'd forgotten a lot about how to hang out with friends. My usual topic of conversation is my family. My family are my adventures and anecdotes. And that is not a topic with which many other young professionals connect. There are precious few at my age who really desire to have a family in the short term. Over the course of this year I've become much closer friends with these two former classmates, so they at least enjoyed discussing our personal lives. However, with most other young professionals I am able to connect based on solely on our careers, which also provides some interesting anecdotes but is never as exciting to me as my children's accomplishments and milestones or just the craziness that goes on at home. When the reception was over, the three of us went out to dinner and just talked for a while about life. Another thing I've forgotten about hanging out with friends is that I can't stay out as late as I used to when I was single. The importance is not only letting my family know when I'll be home, but also avoiding unnecessary expenses on a tighter budget. The train was still running, but the buses were not. So, after taking the train to my stop, I took a cab home. There was a book I wanted to buy, but in penance I decided that since I was irresponsible getting back home I would forfeit the book for now. Bummer. I am grateful that my wonderful wife, who is loaded up with so many concerns, not the least of which is her upcoming trip to our new home to find a rental, was so willing to let me take my time with my friends. She always would in any case, if I wanted to go out more often that is.