Itsy Bitsy Spider and Family Traditions

My toddler and I have a special relationship. I am possessive of the responsibility of putting her to bed at night. I do not give it up lightly. Tonight was especially sweet. While holding her and rocking back and forth, we said her prayer and sang a few songs. However, when I moved to lay her down, her grip suddenly tightened. She doesn't usually do that, so I assumed she wanted more songs. We sang another song, and when I moved to lay her down, she tightened her grip again. Reluctantly, she let me lay her down, but she didn't want me to leave the room. Again, a little unusual. Then, she held up her two little hands and touched her little fingers together in an upward motion. It was the signal for "Itsy Bitsy Spider." As I sang the song and did the motions, I could see, even in the dark, her giddy little face loving every minute of it. Then, and only then, was she willing to go to sleep.

This is one of several special moments that have filled our extended weekend (I had today off for Columbus Day since I work for the Federal Government). Although it is true that the little things we do to establish a good routine and teach positive things in our home make an almost imperceptible difference from day to day, there are traditions we establish for special occasions, like holidays seem to have an almost immediate and tangible effect on our family. Today, for example, we followed a Fall tradition of going to a farm in the country and riding a tractor out to the pumpkin patch to pick one pumpkin for each member of the family. We were in no hurry to do anything but enjoy our time there, looking at the animals, having a picnic, picking apples and pumpkins, riding the tractor, and enjoying a beautiful hilly countryside full of colorful fall trees. We were in such a good mood when we came home that there was absolutely no fighting--no fighting! This tradition made for a memorable experience together, something that I hope will stay with our kids as they get older.

Plan to Have No Plan

There are moments of clarity, like today, where a corporate dad realizes that impatience is really a reaction to unmet expectations. If nothing else, that is a good reason to have a day, like today, to have no expectations, to plan to have no plans. The result is that my relationship with each of my kids, whose needs are so different, is renewed and strengthened with unimpeded individual, sincere, and spontaneous interaction. The result is a reminder that, apart from my wife, my kids are my closest friends. There are moments of clarity, like today, where a corporate dad realizes that one day to be entirely at their disposal is a small investment with tremendous returns.

Take Two

My poor wife observed an argument this morning between me and my three-year old son. I won, but felt pretty silly about it. It wasn't that I was wrong in principle, it was that I was embarrassed by my approach. After the argument, I asked my wife, "What would you think if someone secretly video recorded an argument like this with one of the kids then played it back to you?" I asked rhetorically because I have the misfortune of an automatic replay mechanism in my mind that was instantly triggered when I noticed my wife watching. I thought I looked pretty childish. The replay continued running through my mind in the early afternoon while I was getting frustrated with our baby for grabbing at the spoon I was using to feed her the drippy, messy baby food. By the time the kids were napping, I had two embarrassing episodes of me acting childish and impatient replaying in my mind. It was somewhat haunting.

Luckily, I had much better moments with each of the kids. Later in the afternoon, for example, I took my son to the dinosaur museum as a treat for filling his listening chart. It was fun to sit back and let him enjoy what he wanted to. He loved the T-Rex skull, the sharp shark teeth, and the flying fish. It was also funny to see how much he enjoyed playing on the train, the handrails at the station, and the bike racks. As I end the day, the two negative episodes have been replaced by much more positive ones.

 

"Why Are You Acting So Bossy Today?"

This evening was not a typical one. I came home from work knowing that tonight I would know if I passed the Bar exam. However, we were also hosting our neighbors for dinner. So, my wife and I scrambled to get everything ready. When they arrived, we scrambled to get the kids dinner so that the adults could talk. Dinner ended pretty late, so then we scrambled to clean up and get the kids ready for bed. Since our three-year old has become more independent and helpful, and since I was anxious to get through the night and check my score, I asked him to do a bunch of things to help during the preparing, entertaining, clean-up, and bed time. I say "asked," but I must have forgotten to use my magic words because he eventually asked me, "Daddy, why are you acting so bossy today?"

On the one hand, I wasn't sure how to react to hearing my son say that. On the other hand, he asked so sincerely that I knew he wasn't just mouthing off. It really concerned him. I actually felt a little better knowing that, if my anxious and bossy behavior was concerning him now, I must not be doing it all the time anymore. I told him he was right, that I was being bossy, and that I was sorry. I also told him "thank you" for being so helpful. I'm amazed at how much my kids can teach me if I listen.

As a side note to this story (though a keynote of my day), I was finally able to check my score around 10 pm. I passed the Bar exam!

I've Got My Toes To Suck On

The end of the day is always chaotic. The kids are usually climbing all over my wife, who is busily preparing dinner, while our baby sits in her bouncy seat fussing for food and a nap. It is a hard time of day. Coming home today, I happened to glance through our kitchen window to see my wife and kids dancing to music. I went in and was greeted with the usual "toddler charge" to the battle cry of "Daddy's home!" Through kisses, hugs, and show and tell, I made it into the kitchen to greet my beautiful wife. She told me they were dancing to entertain the baby, who was getting fussy.

Finally I turned to our baby girl, who was quietly sitting in her bouncy seat in the corner and smiling at me. Feeling badly, I picked her up and took her with me to put my stuff away and get ready for dinner. When I laid her on the bed, she immediately popped her big toe into her mouth and looked at me in her characteristically sweet and patient way that seemed to say, "I'm fine now, Daddy. I've got my toes to suck on."

Her patience and sweetness during chaotic moments is more than appreciated. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts, knowing that if she follows in her sister's footsteps she'll soon have personality, opinions, and volume to spare. When that day comes, and the chaos in our family goes up yet another level, I will probably miss the days when they could just lay there and quietly suck on their toes.

Crashing Family Prayer

Before we put the kids to bed, we have family prayer on our bed. Our two-year old sometimes cooperates and kneels down with us and folds her arms, but just as often, she doesn't cooperate at all. Tonight was somewhere in-between. She kept purposefully sliding off of the bed and running around as we read books. When it was prayer time, I lifted her back onto the bed. Right away, she scooted back over to the edge to slide off. As her feet were dangling off the side, she heard us ask her to get ready for prayer and sweetly folded her arms (feet still dangling). The second the prayer ended, she suddenly slipped off the bed and crashed onto the floor. Our first reaction was to laugh (we need to work on that). When we regained our composure, we (including our oldest) peeked over the edge to find our little girl still sitting there on the ground looking a little shocked. The sight of our three heads peaking over the side of the bed must have struck her as funny because she burst into laughter too.

They say a family that prays together stays together. I interpret that maxim broadly so as to include just being in the same room together while the prayer is said, which is the best we can do at this point. Even if meaningful participation from the kids falls far short of the ideal, at least there are moments like this one that let us laugh about it together.

Mental Stimulation

I'm going to pick up from yesterday's post. They say that one of the biggest factors in the mental development of children is family dinner. After my wife taught the kids how to pick up graham crackers with their tongues for dessert, I'm convinced it's true. That's why I try never to miss it.

Preschool and Competitive Parenting

I'm hesitant to publish this post lest anyone think we are stuck up parents. But, our son came home from preschool frustrated that his teacher is not teaching him letters, numbers, etc. or using worksheets. These are things we frequently do at home, things that he loves. We probably left him with the impression that that is what he would be doing at school. We spent much of our night talking about what to do. Should we take him out? Should we try to put him in the older age group?

Have you ever heard of competitive parenting? It started for me when our eldest was just a baby and we began teaching him the alphabet during bath time. The first book I read to him was Paradise Lost. I wanted more than the best for him; I wanted him to be the best--at everything. The alarming nature of this competitive spirit did not fully dawn on me until my son had a break away in his first three-year old soccer game and missed the goal. I actually felt disappointed in him. I was shocked at myself. What's the big deal? I scared myself with the thought that I would be "that parent" who pushed their kids so hard at everything that they ended up disliking it. I quickly backed off and just let my son have fun. By the second season he lost interest in scoring and became passionate about being goalie. We let him experiment, and he was great at it. Several times he'd save a goal then run off the field yelling, "Daddy, I blocked the goal!" He'd even ask me to practice with him at home. I'm scared to think what would have happened if I would have continued in competitive parenting.

Ultimately, our conversation about preschool ended the same way. Although it is not Harvard (though paying tuition makes it file like it should be), there are some important things preschool can teach him as long as his parents don't get in the way. He needs to develop interpersonal skills, and, at the very least, he needs to learn to finish what he's started and to grow where he's planted. Even though we cringe at the thought of paying tuition for this, we decided to focus on helping him take advantage of the education this preschool has to offer and to supplement the rest at home. I think he will come home one of these days with the same excitement he had when he discovered for himself the joy of playing goalie.

The Brown Badge of Courage

Anyone with kids knows that Sunday is a day of rest in some respects but not others, especially if you're really trying to pay attention to whomever is teaching from the pulpit. Almost every effort at a rejuvenating Sabbath seems thwarted by children who act mortally wounded by our momentarily divided attention. Parents in this situation could persuasively argue that they feel figuratively pooped on.

The phrase took on a different meaning for me when I handed our baby girl to my wife and noticed poop on my suit pants. I've heard of it happening to fathers before, but in my almost four years as a father, it's never happened to me. I guess this is sort of a fatherly badge of courage--the brown badge of courage (sorry Stephen Crane).

Trip with My Toddler Day 4--Learning from Day 1

The road home was much longer and harder than the road here: 9 hours in a car back to the airport, 2 hours on the plane back to DC, and 1 more hour in the car from the airport home.

Thanks to my impatience on the first day of travel, I was more careful in my efforts on the way home to trick her into thinking that 12 hours buckled into something was fun. I even tricked myself, though I'm not anxious to do it again. If you assume a two-year old's attention span per activity is 5 minutes max, then to entertain her for over 12 hours requires only 144 activities. Here are some of the things she enjoyed the most:

-Reading all of her favorite books as many times as she wants.
-Having me sincerely listen and respond to everything she says--I mean everything.
-Picking all the games, including tickling Daddy and calling all the cows doggies just to tease me.
-Asking me "what's dat?" and having me explain every blade of grass from Kansas City to Chicago.
-Blowing my nose, her nose, and the dolly's nose with the tissues.
-Playing with my hat.
-Pulling my water bottle out of my mouth.
-Feeding me her snacks.

-Pushing all of the elevator buttons in the airport.

-Riding the automatic walkways.

-Eating dinner while not at the dinner table.

-Pushing the dolly in her stroller, though she was not entirely successful dodging other people.

-Trapeze swinging from my arms while waiting to board the plane.

-Playing with the trays, light switches, air-flow knobs, etc.
-Pushing my arm off of the arm rest.

Trip with My Toddler Day 3--Jumping and Dancing

Five more hours in the car from the wedding location to the reception location. At the wedding location, the hotel was on a small main street of a small town, which put us close to shops, a playground, a garden, and other fun things to do. At the reception location, the hotel was on the corner of a busy street with nothing nearby but other hotels.

So, what do you do with a restless toddler when there is nothing to do? We jumped on the hotel bed, of course. My daughter couldn't get enough of it. We jumped and bounced and wrestled for nearly an hour.

Eventually, we got ready for the reception. I think this was my favorite part of the weekend. Not only were my brother and his new bride beaming, but I finally got to dance all night with my daughter. She insisted on dancing on the dance floor for much of the night as well. She loved it when I would perform her dance moves with her. Of course, she began to tire and snuggled up to me on my shoulder with her thumb in her mouth for the remaining dances of the night. I loved every minute of it.

Trip with My Toddler Day 2--Time to Admire

The luxury of a trip alone with my little girl is that there was nothing to distract me from just watching and admiring her. She is truly beautiful.

I woke up to see two brown eyes looking over at me. My brother noticed that she woke up before me but wouldn't leave me. Instead she would poke her head up to see if was was awake yet, then lay her head back down for a few minutes, then repeat the process over again several times until I finally woke up. The second she saw my eyes open she took my hand, pulled me up, and said, "C'mon Daddy!"

We were ready before most of the group, so we left early to walk around the gardens of the wedding location. I loved pointing out the crickets and bees and hearing her respond, "Woah!" Then we sat in the garden, and I watched her look around at the flowers. I can tell she is a keen and thoughtful observer. I'm sure she notices what we do at home more than we think.

After a whirlwind of wedding events, we spent the evening at the park by our hotel. I can't remember the last time I was able to pay attention to just her at the park. I noticed how she finds joy in experience something new; she has a passion for life. She would circle through the park and try everything, the merry-go-round, the slides, the jungle gym, etc. She laughs and screams a little when she plays on the equipment, but most often she quietly smiles and just soaks in the experience. My favorite part was when she would just look at me and communicate with her eyes how much she loved experiencing these things together.

Interestingly, our time together was not spent talking. Still, we felt much closer to each other by the end of the day through the experiences we shared.

Trip with My Toddler Day 1--Everyone Knows Her Name

We took the divide-and-conquer approach while I went to my brother's wedding this weekend. I took my toddler daughter with me while my wife stayed home with the other two kids. I was excited about it because she typically gets the least amount of personal attention from us. My goal was to avoid letting the wedding plans get in the way of making this weekend about my relationship with her.

I was off to a slow start with my goal. Cosby jokes that whenever anyone brings a child on a plane, by the end of the trip everyone knows her name. This was true in our case, I think more because of my natural impatience than because of her natural spunkiness. I'm not sure how many times I repeated her name with a "no," "wait," "please stop," or an "I give up" kind of sigh. Looking back, she was really wonderful on the plane. All she wanted was to play with the window shade, push the light button, twist the air-flow knob, or open and close the food tray. That should have been a small price to pay for taking her on a long trip.

After getting off the plane, we rode in a car for another four hours to reach the country location of the wedding, finally reaching the hotel at 2 a.m. Because of all the excitement and travel, she was having a hard time falling asleep. But she didn't make a fuss. She was angelic. To tell her how much I appreciated her patience, I let her sleep with me in the bed. To be honest, she was really doing me a favor too. I don't really get to do that often.

Now You Are Speaking My Language

I am a simple man. My wife, on the other hand, is able to navigate the complexities of child psychology. She has been reading a parenting book, one I consider very insightful. Its premise is that parenting should not be about commanding, threating, begging, or bribing. Rather, parenting should provide children with acceptable choices, like "If you throw the spoon on the floor again, you'll have to find another way to eat your food."

The idea is great. The problem for me is the implementation. When it comes time to try this new form of discipline, I can't think of a good choice. I feel put on the spot a little. I feel like my kids see right through our little plot to shape their young minds and stand ready to resist me or ignore me if I blow it. My mind goes blank, I blow it, they do resist and ignore, and I get frustrated.

After some discussion with my wife, she suggested picking one area to work on at a time, like dinner choices or bedtime choices. One idea at a time? "Now you're speaking my language!" I said.