What Are They Putting in Soap These Days?

Everybody knows that when a child says an inappropriate word that means his or her tongue is dirty and needs to be washed with soap. But, since the words have never been very serious or frequent we decided to wait to do that until our son reached the age of four. Surely, having soap rubbed on his tongue would be a strong enough reminder that he should never use those words. So these past few days I've dealt with my son's use of inappropriate words (very infrequent use, I might add) by rubbing bar soap on his tongue. He willingly submitted to the punishment--I mean "solution" to the problem of a dirty tongue--probably thinking that anything was preferable to a boring, long, and repetitive daddy lecture. I rubbed the soap on his tongue. He tasted it. He looked up at me again, un-phased, and said, "It doesn't taste like anything." Then he tasted it again. Wait a minute! When my parents tried it on me the soap was disgusting. That was only a few years ago, or maybe 20. I wouldn't be surprised if soap companies were trying to make their soaps even more attractive by making them tasteless. Thinking that maybe I didn't rub enough soap on his tongue, I did it again until the soap bubbled up and coated his tongue. He tasted it again. Nothing. I was stumped. Was he serious or just beating me at my own game? Maybe both. Now I'm half tempted to taste soap before I use it on him. Maybe that was his plan all along.

Don't Be So Hard

Watching my son run around with his cousins and fighting the natural temptation of a 4-year old to ignore his parents in order to keep doing what the other kids were doing was a learning experience for me. He did ignore us a little, but was mostly well-behaved and obedient. I was a little disappointed in him at first for having such a hard time obeying us, but ended up being more disappointed in myself for not appreciating how obedient he really was in the face of so many fun distractions. In fact, I was pretty hard on him when he disobeyed. I wanted to instill the lesson that you need to listen to your parents no matter what everyone else is doing. But my wonderful wife reminded me that I need to be careful not to teach him that I don't trust him. In certain situations I need to back-off a little more and understand that I should be very careful about when to put my son in the difficult position of choosing between every 4-year old's dream and his parents when it really isn't that important. On the bright side, I have been more sensitive to my son's feelings about getting in trouble in front of other people. He has been incredibly responsive when we quietly go into another room to talk over anything he may have done wrong. I'm learning that a lot of parenting, even with little kids, is respecting their feelings.

She Can't Be Two/Feeling Better

This first experience was too cute to pass up. A cousin hit my son pretty hard. As I was consoling him, our two-year old knelt down beside us, put her arm on my shoulder, and with a concerned look asked, "What happened to him?" Then she listened intently while I explained the situation. Though our daughter definitely exhibits two-year old moments, there are moments like these when I am reminded that she has gifts and traits that are much older than she is and must have developed in her before she came to us.

The second experience is something I noticed throughout our road trip visiting friends and family. No matter how good the parents are, they experience the same parental challenges and react the same way. This may not be a very deep thought, but it reassured me that I am normal. If you want to feel like you're a good father, go stay with friends and family who have children too.

The Move: Days 11 & 12

We're finally here, after two weeks of homelessness. We are happy to be here, even if it is a temporary space in my cousin's house until we find one of our own. This move has taught me a lot. One is that anyone with little sleep, long hours driving cross country, and more whining from my kids than I care to mention is prone to get a little frustrated with his kids. At least saying so makes me feel a little better. So does watching every move my friends and family make as they care for their kids in the hopes that they will lose their tempers with their kids too. Short-tempered fathers like to feel normal. Anyway, I was pretty pushy with my son, the king of delay, at bath time. So pushy that he said, "I want Mommy to bath me tomorrow." I tried to be more kind and patient today, however, and he had no problems with my bathing him. I also slapped my daughter's hand just after she'd hit my son for the hundreth time in a fit of rage then hit me as the rage went on. I couldn't tell her not to hit--I'd be a hypocrite. So, I told her that that is how we feel when she hits. At bedtime, however, all of that seems to disappear. I love putting them to bed. The two oldest were squeezed together again on a queen mattress, the youngest in a pack-n-play. I told them a story that included some daddy humor, which they love now, though I am reminded they will not find funny when they're older. The story also included a grumpy father as my effort to say that I was wrong. I also apologized for being so grumpy and kissed them good night. Alas, their happiness was again shattered when they again had to say good-bye to friends with whom they'd only been able to play for one day. This morning's good-bye was one of the hardest yet, and seemed to be a culmination of the many irregularities, activities, hours of driving, and good-byes our little kids have had to experience over the past twelve days. Our daughter longingly said, "I miss them." And our son and daughter both cried quite a bit. It is true. We will miss everyone we visited. You have helped us so much on our way. We are grateful we could have even one day to visit and introduce our kids to your kids or have them play together. This includes former college roommates, neighbors, family, and other dear friends. As we drove over the Rockies and into the valley, we felt a sense of relief. We could tell our kids did too. They of course bounced off the walls when we got here--this time we cut them some extra slack, especially after how tough I was on them yesterday, but they were also so excited that there is no more driving, nor more changing homes, and especially no more good-byes.

The Move: Days 8, 9, and 10

We're getting our kicks on Route 66 . . . really. On Saturday we connected to the de-comissioned federal highway in our travels to the West. It is interesting to think that the days of old Route 66 were the days of the convertible, of slow-moving cross-country travel, of a very personal discovery of various demographics of people and cultures within the United States. The highways have progressed now-a-days the way the food service industry did . . . to be fast and impersonal. In many ways, my time with my wife and kids along old Route 66 has taken me away from the fast and busy pace of our last residence and my future job and given me the opportunity to have a very personal and meaningful vacation with my wife and kids. We have loved visiting family and friends, but, to be perfectly honest, I have also loved watching our family become better friends by trying to take care of each other during this trip. Long days in the car are not very exciting, but we laugh together, take breaks to visit friends and family, to swim at the hotel (tonight's activity), and to just be there for tender or funny moments I would otherwise miss while at work. I am grateful that we could swim together at the hotel pool tonight, just us. My son almost swam across the pool. Our daughters clung to us for dear life, but they also enjoyed splashing and laughing with us. My wife and I also got to work off some of our dinner. I am amazed that although we have been homeless for almost two weeks, our children have risen to the occasion. I feel happy that they seem to feel that home is wherever your family is, even when it is in a minivan crossing the U.S. I admire them for demonstrating such patience and maturity at such a young age (warning--this is not always the case). I love that we sometimes sleep together in the same room. I love that the two oldest have been sleeping together and becoming better friends. I love that they have me tell them stories at night. Tonight's story was about three fish, following our swim. Last nights was about three little doggies, following our visit with my brother, his wife, and their dogs. The night before, I might have told a superhero story, or something similar. Some other examples of little moments I will always treasure are when my oldest daughter got a treat (a bag of popcorn) and shared it with me while I was driving, and watching my youngest daughter discover herself in the hotel mirror then try to get her reflection to follow her by pointing and grunting at it when it didn't follow. There have also been many moments where the kids hold hands, or sleep peacefully in the car, or make each other laugh. There are many moments where my wife or I sit in the back on the floor of the car to play with them, feed them, or talk to them. Don't worry, there have also been rough moments. Other highlights, especially of today, were that my kids learned some of the lessons from my son's preschool that his teacher is sending us by email. Another is watching how restless they were after we finally arrived at the hotel after our longest day in the car-ten hours. It was as if we had opened the cages of little monkeys that had been penned up all day. They were literally bouncing off the walls at the hotel, the restaurant, and the pool. We had to remind ourselves why they were having such a hard time listening to stay sane ourselves. I think they got all their energy out at the pool. I am grateful for our friends and family who took us to a farmstead, let us play with their dogs, or just let us stay and chat with them for a while on days 8 and 9. But I am surprised at how much I have enjoyed our day alone together on Day 10. I expected it to be our worst, but our children were wonderful in the car and tons of fun at the pool and in the hotel room. I think of that movie, "RV," where there were parents who raised their kids on the road in an RV along Route 66. Sometimes I think that wouldn't be a bad life, once the kids are a little more independent that is.

The Move: Day 7

I find myself taking on more administrative tasks in order to feel like I'm working. Today, I drove around Iowa City to find a snack cup we lost. Then, I picked up some ice for the next stage of our trip tomorrow. I also feel a little out of place during the day when I am basically one of the moms. But I did enjoy making everyone lunch. I felt like a restaurant chef, though the menu consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches and hot dogs. Today was also like a reunion. It was wonderful--friends, family, former professors, etc. The kids' fatigue level is going up, so is the drama level. I'm realizing that my lecturing level should probably go down.

The Move: Day 6

One thing we didn't account for during this move is that while visiting friends, the husbands are usually working. So, for much of the day today, it was me and the moms hanging out. Of course, they were all talking with my wife, so I talked more with the kids. That's okay. That's more my level anyway. In addition, as we are starting to get more tired and unregulated in our sleeping, I am sometimes more impatient with the kids, even when I don't need to be. For example, my daughter keeps scratching her ouchies and making herself bleed. I've been getting very frustrated with that until tonight when I did the same thing.

I think after six days, I can safely recount some of the duties of a corporate dad during a cross-country move by car. Although, as I've said in previous posts, I attempt to enforce the same sense of order I have at the office in my home, I've assumed a much less corporate and much more domestic role. I am gradually relinquishing my demand for order and learning to deal with chaos. However, because I have to attempt to manage the chaos as much as possible, the following responsibilities have been relegated to me on this trip:

-kitchen cleaner at friends'/family's homes
-lunch-maker in the car
-child-entertainer in the car
-bed preparer at others' homes
-car loader/unloader
-babysitter when my wife is with her friends
-story teller when tucking the kids into bed
-ice/gas purchaser, errand runner

Basically, I am the good little soldier in charge of setting up/taking down camp and KP duty. This arrangement has resulted in a variety of benefits. My wife sees that I'm working hard, so she doesn't make me change the diapers. She does not get frustrated with my ineptitude at grocery shopping because she can do it herself without kids in tow. There are no last-minute arrangements delaying arrival/departure/bed times. Most importantly, my wife's administrative load is lightened so that our time with each other, the kids, and family and friends is of much higher quality than it might otherwise be.

The Move: Day 5

We've all felt it, that little pang that you feel during those busy days when you can't do as much as you would like to do or feel that you should do for the kids. For example, the kids were very tired today (the baby cried all day, while the other two whined and pouted for much of the day), and so were we, so although it would have been nice to hop in the back of the car to provide them with more snacks during our drive today, play with them a little more when we arrived at our destination, or read to them before bed, I didn't. Each omission is now a small regret. There is some consolation in the fact that they did get to play with friends we're visiting at this stop, that it was a short drive that didn't necessitate many snacks, that I was in the back feeding them lunch when we started this leg of the trip, and that I sang to them and made up a story when they went to bed. This time they were knights in the story with added titles like, "the great," "the brave," and "the strong." They seemed to like it. Now many who read this post may think, "You're over-reacting. Some days are just like that. It's no big deal." I'm sure those comments are correct, but what makes it tough was that although we had a good day, the traveling and excitement of seeing so many friends and family has begun to take a toll on them from which they need to recover. We have a lot of activities planned, however, and it is unlikely they will get time to do that. Instead of showing much compassion, I was a little impatient with them during the bath/bedtime routine. So, we ended the day on a bad note, and that is the thing about which I feel the most guilt. On the bright side, we are staying here for a few more days before moving on to the next stop, so we should all be able to recover a little.

The Move: Day 4

There are burdens of fatherhood that are light and there are burdens that are heavy. Oddly, it seems that the lighter burdens originate from the children. Today I bathed my son and told him he could go into the living room to get dressed. We are at my parents' house, and he decided to go into the living room in style--dancing in the buff for everyone to see. Then he told everyone that I said he could. So he took liberties with my instructions. It gets a little tougher when they don't listen altogether. However, there is usually a reason for it. My oldest daughter, for example, has gone two days without naps--two activity-packed days with family. She just could not function and fell asleep as I was reading to her. But, as that story illustrates, the fact that they sometimes ignore me is never a personal affront and is often accompanied by tender moments. It gets even tougher when my children reach the age of sophisticated parental manipulation. For example, I attempted to be understanding to my son, who really was having a hard time focusing enough to eat when we first arrived at my parents. When he gets over-excited or distracted or bored he asks us to give him bites of his food. I've recently refused to do so, telling him that he is old enough to feed himself. However, I told him yesterday that I understood that he was too excited to eat and that I would help him. Since then, he keeps saying, "Can you feed me some bites? I'm just too excited to feed myself." But none of these things are very heavy compared to the burdens of fatherhood that come from sources other than my children. One is the constant concern with the world in which my children will grow up. We have to let them gain their own experience, knowing that they will be exposed to influences that are extremely subtle and dangerous. We can teach them and prepare them, but the thought of sending them out into the world even for school scares me. Another is that "hand-off" that takes place between generations of fathers. By that I mean coming to the realization that your own father does not have all the answers, and that I have to shoulder the burden of thrusting my family into new environments and situations while providing for them and protecting them at the same time. It requires being the first to express faith and hope and the last to express criticism and fear. It means stepping into the darkness so many times hoping for sure footing. As I close the first year of this blog and embark on our cross-country move to begin my legal career, the burdens originating from my children seem lighter, and the burdens originating from other sources seem heavier. We rely on each other so much, and this trip is more or less a vacation. I love every second with the kids. I'm learning so much more about them. We're becoming better friends. We know that there are challenges ahead that are so much bigger, so we try to laugh off the little challenges of mood swings and messes. We are excited for the adventures that lay ahead, but none of us really knows what those will be--billable-hour requirements, financial responsibilities such as student loans and a mortgage, schools for our kids, trying to set an example of what it right, etc. Though this post marks the end of my first year as a legal professional, it also marks the beginning of the battle between the corporate and the dad. I hope that as a transactional attorney, I can help the two parties reach a mutually beneficial deal.

*Just for the purposes of personal record keeping, I want to mention that our family went to the splash pad. My son started a water fight with me. I think he finds joy in making me wet and cold when I'm not quite ready to be. Later, the older siblings--all of us older than 20--were crazier than the kids. In fact, we got into a water fight. One of my proudest moments as a father was watching my four-year old son join up with me against my brothers and sisters. He fearlessly drenched them all and got drenched in return. But when everyone else was tired out, we were the last men standing. With a high five and a hug, the two of us rejoined the family.

The Move: Day 3

Today we went to the zoo. My son kept asking me to unbuckle my seat belt and go to the back to get him something. We did that constantly while on full-day traveling. I tried to explain to my son that I only did that when we had to during long trips because it was necessary to keep them happy, but it's really not safe, so I wasn't going to do it on short trips. I knew as I was saying it that it was a terrible explanation, but I couldn't find a way to dig out of that hole and just left him confused. We did have a lot of fun at the zoo, however. It was especially fun because I had great individual moments with each of the kids. We also had a great time swimming afterwards, at dinner, and wrestling before bed. I'm loving all the time I get with them during this road trip/move. I think I'm entitled to, because, as a friend said this morning, this may be the last time I get to do this for a long time.

The Move: Day 2

There was a lot of pent-up energy when we hopped into the car for day 2 of our travels, and it made for some rough moments. This was especially true when I took over in the back with the kids during lunch time, while my wife drove. There was a lot of screaming and wiggling. It seemed for a moment as though the kids were about to burst out of their car seats. Then I decided we should play some new games. If they were going to scream, I told them to scream louder and louder. The hope was that this would either help them get some energy out or lose their voices. Neither happened. So, I blew up a few balloons and we swatted them back and forth. That did get a lot of energy out, but the balloons also bounced into the face of the driver a couple of times, so we discontinued. Then we went back to screaming and yelling. It did the trick until we got to the grandparents' house, even though we hit bad traffic in Chicago. The pay-off, of course, was arriving at our destination and playing with the grandparents, siblings, and cousins. It has been so long since we've been so close to family. I think we'll all have a hard time leaving for more car travel in a couple of days.

The Move: Day 1

Lots of snacks, lots of movies on the portable dvd player, McDonalds for lunch, and Daddy sitting on the floor in front of the kids to help entertain while at the same time having to hit the deck a couple of times to avoid being seen by police. That was life in the car. There were also a couple of fights, a little bit of cying a screaming, and a little bit of complaining. But it was not much, and what there was was expected from three tired kids. Tonight I bathed the kids and put them to bed. For the first time in a long time, I made up a bedtime story featuring my oldest kids as superheroes saving their father. Perhaps the biggest lesson learned is that I am more likely to get frustrated with the kids when I am frustrated with myself. I made a wrong turn, witnessed my youngest daughter fall off of playground equipment, and got into an argument with my wife. There was probably something else in their too. Either way, I caught myself getting frustrated with the kids for something I did. We had such an overall good day that I couldn't let them go to bed on a bad note. So, I apologized to them and was sure to recognize how good they were today. They were really amazing.

Embarking On An Epic Adventure

Normally a move, even a cross-country move, is not that big of a deal. What makes it epic? Three kids. We woke early to load the truck and clean the apartment, with the help of some good friends. Once the truck left, we hopped into the car to my sister-in-law's home, where the kids are staying, for one more night with them before we leave bright and early tomorrow morning. At moments like this some people would say they had many thoughts go through their minds. But me, I've had one thought go through my mind many times: are we going to survive? Then, without knowing she provided the answer to my question, my two-year old little girl organized my sister-in-law's sandals by color and said, "It's my sandal rainbow." Suddenly, a shimmer of hope was visible beneath my cloudy thoughts. Maybe the kids will comprehend and be patient with our plan and moving schedule. We'll find out tomorrow morning. One thing I do know is that since we need to do this together to be successful, I need to resist my natural impatience and really try to show some extra love an compassion during this trip. I'd rather everyone be happy than rigidly obedient to my time-line. For example, it's my kids' last night with their cousins and they wanted to watch an episode of Spider Man while lying in bed. It is already late, and my natural inclination was to say, "No way, Jose. It's time for bed." When I came downstairs, I asked the other dad if he usually lets his son do that. Another person overheard and said, "Uh oh. Someone's losing this battle." I replied, "It's worth losing some battles if it means winning others when we're on the road." Maybe that means I'm buying obedience instead of earning it. Maybe it means I want my son to have a memorable last day with his cousin. Either way, it's about 9 pm and we put on an episode of Spider Man. We'll see if it pays off.

*I also have to mention that my son was anxious about the upcoming trip and couldn't sleep. He finally agreed to go to bed with me. So, we both went to bed in his bed. But, my son also invited a two-foot tall, hard plastic T-Rex toy to share the bed with us. The bed wasn't very big. I was practically falling off the edge, with the T-Rex's hard plastic foot in my back. I was able to get up when he was asleep and hop into bed. But in the middle of the night my son hopped into our bed. There wasn't room for all three of us, so I spend half the night on my side with my face up against the side wall. Talk about losing battles.

Rescued for the Move

There isn't much to say today except that it would have been impossible to finish packing with three kids running around tonight. We are grateful for good friends who stepped in to take the kids overnight. The sad part, however, is that I didn't get to see them at all today. They were sleeping when I went to work and gone before I got back. We are about to embark on an epic move across the country in a mini-van. I hope that they can deal well with all the changes and that we can deal well in the moments that they can't.